Jesus Baby

This holiday season I have heard the infamous song "Santa Baby" a few more times than necessary. When you hear this song, you can almost see a provocatively dressed woman putting on her best innocent act and batting her eyes at Santa, shamelessly flirting to try to get what she wants. And the things she desires are numerous: a convertible, a yacht, a duplex, jewelry, money- and more! And, of course, she takes care to mention just how good she's been, as if to remind him that she really deserves all these things. How could Santa resist?

I realized that a lot of times Christians approach God in the same way and with the same expectations. We make ourselves look as good as we can, smile and act innocent and "flirt" with him, to try to get what we want. And just in case that isn't enough, we remind him how good we've been and how deserving we are of material and financial blessings. Nice cars, nice houses, nice clothes, expensive electronics, money- and more! "How could he resist?" we think.

Think of all the fun I've missed, think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed. Next year I could be just as good, if you check off my Christmas list...

This attitude of deserving and even demanding things from God is, sadly, becoming all too common among mainstream Christianity. Watch the Christian television networks or read up on the prosperity gospel and see for yourself. So many people truly believe that if they look and act in just the right ways, and if they're good enough, and if they flirt with God just right, he will have no choice but to give them material and financial blessings.

I really do believe in you; let's see if you believe in me...

What's sadder, though, is that this attitude cheapens the gift God has given us- the gift of grace. Grace is unmerited favor, given to those who have done nothing to deserve it and can never do enough to deserve it.

As we know, humans are all kinds of screwed up; we have a hard time wrapping our minds around the concepts of unconditional love, grace, and the power of those things to then transform our lives. All too often we approach God the wrong way, believing that we first have to change our behavior and then we will be rewarded with his favor. On top of that, many of us have been raised to expect that our good or bad behavior will result in certain rewards or punishments. It's no wonder,then, that people so easily buy into the idea that we deserve certain material rewards from God for our good behavior, and that we can do things to gain or lose his love.

I wonder, then, if this idea of a God who loves unconditionally, who gives us the gift of unmerited favor, who sends blessings to the "just and unjust," frightens and confuses many people. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't fit with the way we've always approached life, and so we repackage God and the gift he gave us- Jesus- in a way that we do easily understand. We live our lives trying to do all the right things in order to avoid punishment and obtain rewards, all the while missing the real heart of the gospel, the real reason God humbled himself and was born as a tiny baby and lived and died- so we can have a relationship with him. That we can have a relationship with a God who loves us so much is a far more precious gift than any car or house or amount of money ever could be.

My hope is that we can stop treating Jesus like a big Santa Claus in the sky, as a God that can be flirted with and manipulated, and instead see him for who he really is. Grace and love are not easy gifts to understand, but they are so very precious.

Why Cloth Diapers?

For the first few weeks of Isaac's life, we almost exclusively used disposable diapers, for two reasons: We had been given two packages of them at our baby shower, and I didn't want to deal with the extra laundry created by cloth diapers during those first few weeks postpartum. Then a couple of things happened: I started to feel much better, and we realized we were almost out of disposable diapers! Since then we have almost exclusively used cloth diapers. A lot of people have seemed to think that it's really strange to use cloth diapers, so I thought I'd provide a little information about why we would choose to do such a seemingly odd thing (other than, of course, the fact that we are seemingly odd people). ;)

1. Cloth diapers are better for the environment. I read recently that "roughly 5 million tons of untreated waste and a total of 2 billion tons of urine, feces, plastic and paper are added to landfills annually. It takes around 80,000 pounds of plastic and over 200,000 trees a year to manufacture the disposable diapers for American babies alone. Although some disposables are said to be biodegradable; in order for these diapers to decompose, they must be exposed to air (oxygen) and sun. Since this is highly unlikely, it can take several hundred years for the decomposition of disposables to take place, with some of the plastic material never decomposing." Meanwhile, cloth diapers are made of, well, cloth. And they can be washed and reused many times over.

2. Cloth diapers are better for babies. Have you ever stopped to think about what disposable diapers have in them? If not, let me tell you. "Some concerns about disposable diapers have been about dyes, sodium polyacrylate (the super absorbent gel), and dioxin, which is a by-product of bleaching paper. Sodium polyacrylate has been linked in the past to toxic shock syndrome, allergic reactions and is very harmful and potentially lethal to pets. Some dyes and dioxin according to the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) is known to cause damage to the central nervous system, kidneys, and liver. The (FDA) Food & Drug Administration has received reports that fragrances in disposables caused headaches, dizziness and rashes. Problems reported to the Consumer Protection Agency regarding disposables include, chemical burns, noxious chemical and insecticide odors, babies pulling disposables apart and putting pieces of plastic into their noses and mouth, choking on tab papers and linings, plastic melting onto the skin, and ink staining the skin. Plastic tabs can also tear skin if the diaper is not properly put on the baby." Wow.

3. Cloth diapers are better for our budget. Think about it for a minute. How much sense does it make to spend your hard-earned money on something that is going to be worn once and thrown away? And how much sense does it make to literally throw that money away over and over and over for 2-3 years of your child's life? Cloth diapers do involve the initial investment, but once you've bought them, you can wash and reuse them over and over until your baby outgrows them. I like seeing our money put to better use, especially when I also consider how much better cloth diapers are for my baby and the environment!

4. Cloth diapers are convenient. I think that when most people think of cloth diapers, they think of old-fashioned flat diapers that have to be folded over and over, then pinned. Not necessarily the case! There are several different kinds. Some do require some folding and a separate waterproof cover; some have velcro tabs that fasten easily; some are all in one piece with the diaper and cover sewn together (these are my favorites, personally, because they're so easy to use, but we mostly use prefold diapers with a separate cover because they're cheaper). And even the prefolds don't necessarily require pins. We use a lovely little item called a Snappi, which is much more convenient than pins in my opinion.

So, when I considered all those things, it wasn't hard for me to make the decision to use cloth diapers. I definitely recommend them if you are planning to have children or if you already have children who are still in diapers.

Finding Balance

I just need to think through some things...

Clark and I feel strongly about living a simple life—not having more than we need, not living an extravagant lifestyle, etc. We feel this way for several reasons: we want to be sure that we don't place too much importance or dependence on money or things, and we want to be able to give to others as much as we can. We are drawn to a lifestyle that is very different from what most people would consider “normal.” In our culture it just isn’t “normal” to stick with what we need and to not accumulate extra and to actually give our extra stuff away. It isn’t “normal” to want to live well below our means in order to be able to help others, or to want to live in community with others. We feel called to spend our lives, full-time, helping others, reaching out, giving, making a difference. And while we certainly don’t feel that every Christian is called to live this way, we feel called to live this way. We realize that we can’t possibly give enough or do enough to fix all the problems of everyone in need, but we feel very convicted to do all we can. We can’t change the world, but I think we CAN make a world of difference to someone.

The problem is, I struggle all the time with determining where the line is for us. I find myself asking all kinds of questions. When it comes to money, food, clothes, other stuff, our house, our vehicle—what do we actually NEED? Is it okay to have anything more than what we truly need? If so, then how much is too much? Where do we cross the line into unnecessary extravagance or luxury? Where do we cross the line into materialism or greed? I know many people probably do not struggle to find this balance, but I have a really hard time because of the way we feel called to live our lives. Plus, I tend to be an "all or nothing" person and so finding a balance usually isn't easy for me. And so I struggle with determining how much, if any, money we should save. Or how many clothes we should each have, or how many toys my children should have, or whether we should save for a bigger family car, or what place special treats or vacations should have. And so on.

I know that probably sounds crazy. But it is truly a big struggle for me. I'm not on a quest for legalistic rules about what's okay and what isn't; I just really want to figure out where the balance is, for us. I realize that because of the way we feel called to live and what we want to do with our lives, our balance may look different from others' and that's okay- but the fact that it may look different makes it difficult to figure out how it will look for us, if that makes any sense.

Pregnancy Update

Yesterday was the due date, so he will really be here any time now! At Monday's appointment with my midwife, I was 1 cm dilated and about 70% effaced. It's so cool to know that I'm getting closer. I haven't had any problems or complications, which is great. We have everything ready for the birth; we're having him at home and are really excited about it. And we are almost positive that we've finally picked a name, although we're not telling anyone what it is until he's born in case we change our minds again.

I haven't really posted any pictures here, so here are a couple.

Financial Health

The next section in Chazown has been weighing on my mind since I read it. It’s the section about financial health. While we don’t have any debt other than our mortgage (we don’t have a car payment or school loans, and we don’t even own a credit card), we certainly are not in the most financially healthy place. Earlier in the book, there was a survey to assess where we are financially, and I unfortunately had to agree with many of the statements made. I feel financially hindered from doing some things God wants me to do. I’m often worried about finances. If I didn’t have an income for one month, I couldn’t pay my bills. I’m not tithing 10 percent of my income to God.

I do not want to be in bondage to money. That’s exactly why we have avoided debt as much as possible. My parents recently loaned us money to buy a new mattress and we have been paying them back, and honestly, I hate having even that small debt. I want us to become more financially healthy, which is so hard to do when we are mostly living from paycheck to paycheck. This has been a very hard year for us financially and as we reach the end of the year it seems that we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to make some specific financial plans and goals—some immediate goals, some for 2009, and some that are more long-term. I won’t list them all here, but I do want to put some of them out there.

- By the end of this month we will be done paying my parents back. Hooray!
- We are going to make tithing a priority again. I hate to admit this, but for the sake of transparency—a few months ago when things got really tough financially, we stopped giving. Not because we wanted to stop, but because the money was truly that tight. Things are finally easing up a bit, and we absolutely want to start giving again!
- We are going to set aside money for an emergency fund, since we really don’t have one (and I can think of a few times this year that it would have been very helpful to have an emergency fund!). I would like to start putting money into it in December or January.
- And we are in the process of reworking our budget and cutting some costs. We can’t cut much, but we have found a way to cut some things. As our financial situation has improved a bit, we’ve also gotten back into the habit of eating out more than we should, so that’s going to be cut again.

There are more goals, of course, but these are some of the biggest current goals. I am really excited to get started; we want to be smart with our finances, and I think these are definitely steps in that direction!

Secret Millionaire

I saw a commercial about this show tonight while I was watching House, and I can't wait to watch it. It's called Secret Millionaire and it starts December 3 on Fox.

Secret Millionaire is a dramatic unscripted series that takes viewers out of their comfort zones and into the heart of America's social issues.

Each week, one of the wealthiest Americans, worth millions of dollars, will go undercover into one of the most impoverished and dangerous towns in America. Their job is to spend one week canvassing the town - meeting as many people as possible - some of whom will touch the millionaire with their dedication to helping others while others will have incredible stories of trying to overcome tremendous odds. On the final day, the Secret Millionaire meets with the chosen recipients and reveals his/her true identity and intentions - to give them a sum of money that is going to change their lives forever.

SECRET MILLIONAIRE will engage viewers in important social issues, extol the virtues of volunteerism and change the lives of disadvantaged people - and the philanthropists who helped them - in unexpected ways.

http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/new/secret_millionaire.htm

Relationships With People

I have come to realize a couple of things about my relationships with people. I have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable after a certain point; there are things that I'm comfortable sharing and showing to others, a kind of false vulnerability. I say it's a false vulnerability because once we've covered those things, things that may make me look like I'm being vulnerable but I'm actually pretty comfortable, I tend to clam up and get quiet. Combine that with the fact that I am more of a listener than a talker, and it's pretty hard for me to have close relationships with many people.

And truth be told, I don't have a close relationship with many people. I know there are relationships that could get to that point with a little more nurturing and opening up, but right now I mostly have a close relationship with Clark, my mom, and a couple of friends (and I feel like I've been withdrawing from those friends a lot lately, too). I spend time with other people, of course, and I would like for those relationships to grow.

Craig Groeschel suggests making some relational goals. Here are mine:

- Stay involved in our Wednesday night small group and let the people there get to know me better. How? By talking more and being more vulnerable. I would love to have a few more close friends who really know me.
- Nurture the friendships I've neglected lately.
- I have a few involving my family, but I will keep those to myself.

God Wants Us to Seek Him

Before I move on to the next segment (relationships with people), I wanted to talk about something I realized when I was thinking about my relationship with God.

It started with this quote from Chazown:

“God wants you to seek Him. And when you do, He will reveal the depths of His character, His nature, His glory. In ways you can’t imagine.”

Many times I've had the experience of wanting so badly to reach out and help or encourage someone, or to deepen my relationship with them, only to find that they resist the help, encouragement, or relationship I am offering. It hurts. I feel rejected and frustrated; it’s hardwired into my very core to help and encourage, and to have that pushed away as though it’s meaningless or unwanted is painful. I can think of so many times that I've been hesitant to follow my heart and offer help or encouragement because I'm afraid it will be unwelcome.

But as I read the above quote, I thought about a couple of things. One- I bet God understands how I feel. It’s hardwired into him to love people and pursue a relationship with us; he sacrificed his own son to make it happen. And it is probably painful to him, too, when he is rejected or his love is pushed away or unrecognized. But he doesn't give up or quit offering! And two- I have struggled with the idea that God wants me to seek him and that if I do, he’ll reveal himself to me. For the longest time I felt like I could seek him all I wanted, but he might not pay any attention. Or that I could seek him but he wouldn’t respond unless I was living a certain way, doing everything right, jumping through certain hoops- and that I'd just have to guess what those hoops might be. For some reason I had convinced myself that even if I desperately wanted to get closer to him and have a better relationship with him, he might push me away. The same fears I have in my relationships with people... hmm.

Relationship With God

Now we move on to the next section of Chazown, into the areas that Craig Groeschel calls the “five spokes.” He points out that in order to get to your destiny, you also have to be seeking God’s best in the supporting areas that make it possible. The five areas he discusses are: relationship with God, relationships with people, financial health, physical health, and your life’s work. I’ll start with the first one mentioned, relationship with God.

I am reminded that God doesn’t want me to simply read the Bible and follow his rules; he desires a relationship (sometimes that’s hard for me to wrap my mind around, and I have lots to say about that- maybe in my next post). But a relationship can’t be one-sided, and I am often inconsistent—sometimes feeling close to him and trying to get even closer, and at other times feeling distant.

One question to answer is, “What are the disciplines that best help you experience God?” I hate to give what will probably sound like a pat answer, but honestly, reading the Bible and praying do help, when I do them consistently. But there’s more. It’s not just reading the Bible; reading good books about God, books that are challenging and help me grow in my faith and understanding, are a huge help to me. The books I’ve read by Shane Claiborne and Philip Yancey are great examples, and so is Chazown. I’m also helped by outreach, writing out my thoughts, and fellowship, relationships, and conversations with others.

But at the same time, there is something that keeps me distant from God. I put other things before him. All the time. I don’t like to admit that, but it’s true. I’m always keeping myself busy with other stuff—big stuff and little stuff, important stuff and trivial stuff—and at the end of the day I fall into bed, ready to go to sleep, and realize that I haven’t really talked to God at all that day, that I haven’t read the Bible or done anything else that helps me grow in my relationship with him. And that needs to change.

So here is my plan. I am committing to reading the Bible daily, something that has been hit-or-miss for me for a long time. I’m also going to start reading books regularly that help me grow spiritually, probably one each month, and I’m sure I’ll be writing about my thoughts here. I’m going to get more involved in community outreach/local missions, and I’m also going to become involved in a Wednesday night small group. And I’m going to make a conscious, daily effort to not put all sorts of other things ahead of my relationship with God. It's time to stop keeping God at a distance.

Taking the Next Step

I’ve determined what I believe is God’s purpose for my life. But without a plan to make it happen, I’m stuck right here. I feel like I’ve been stuck for a while now, with a broad idea of the kinds of things I want to do but no idea of how to make them happen. I know from experience that when I look only at the big picture, I feel inspired and excited—but also terribly overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that it overshadows my inspiration and excitement, I’m overcome by fear and discouragement, and I end up getting complacent and doing nothing.

As someone who likes to plan and set goals, I know that I have to take things one step at a time. In order to make my vision a reality, I need to make goals. To review, here is the mission statement I came up with: I want to live out love and mercy toward people who are hurting and struggling, encouraging and helping them in the ways they need it most, in order to help them through their circumstances and into a better place. At the same time I want them to be able to see and feel God’s love, mercy, and grace through me, and be drawn closer to him. And I want to encourage and empower others to do the same.

So what do I need to accomplish to move from where I am now to where I want to be? Obviously there are a lot of goals and steps toward those goals, and I won't go into all of them here. I don't even know what they all are yet! But this is where I will start...

I will get my priorities in order, and one of the top priorities is organizing our local missions at church. This is something I volunteered to take over, but I’ve let a lot of things get in the way and I’ve lost focus, and as a result it isn’t anywhere even remotely close to what I envision.

I have already taken a few steps toward this goal. I have put together some information regarding food donations for The Caring Place, and basic info about The Caring Place and Habitat for Humanity, and I also have a comprehensive list of food assistance ministries/organizations in our area. The next step is to put together a local missions table that is specifically for that information and for talking to people about opportunities to get involved in our community. I'm also working on getting a comprehensive list of resources and organizations that address other areas of need in the community. I want to free myself up to be at the table on Sunday mornings to talk with people; however, I do not plan to have the table completely up and running until around the beginning of January. The baby will be born any time now, and I want to be sure I've given myself time to rest and recover before I commit myself to something every Sunday morning.

There are plenty of steps beyond this; I can think of several more off the top of my head. But I have to start somewhere, and this is where I'm starting. Once this step is taken care of, I'll move on to the next step. I'm excited! :)

"Put Not Your Trust in Princes"... or Presidents

I originally posted this on Monday night, but I've been thinking about it this morning and I'd like to elaborate on my thoughts a bit. When I read the psalm below a couple weeks ago, it really helped me put things in perspective. I feel like there has been so much hope and so much fear surrounding this election and the candidates. Over the summer I read an excellent book written by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw, called Jesus for President. The book challenged me and reminded me that my allegiance was never meant to be given to a leader, a political party, or a nation, but to God and his kingdom. Reading this psalm several days ago, and hearing the message at church Sunday morning reminded me of that yet again. It brings me peace, in the midst of all the fears people seem to have about this election, that God is truly the one in control; he is the one who we should put our trust and our hope in, and he is the one who always has and always will care deeply and passionately about things mentioned in this psalm (justice for the oppressed, food for the hungry, those who are sojourners, widows, and orphans, etc). I'm having such a hard time finding the words to express what I'm feeling. other than to say that, in contrast to many people in America today, I am not scared or nervous about the outcome of this election; I am at peace. The one I give my allegiance to, the one I place my hope and trust in, will never fail.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

The Lord will reign forever, your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the Lord!

Saying Yes- And No- to the Right Things

Before I move on, I need to address something else. It’s something that I know I struggle with and that I’ve blogged about before—my difficulty with saying no. Something Craig Groeschel said in Chazown brought this issue to my mind again, and it’s something I need to work on. He wrote:

“Many other people—even well-intentioned friends—have visions for your time and resources, but those other visions are often inconsistent with God’s vision for you… One of my core values is family. Therefore my mission involves spending a lot of time with my family. Other people have their own plans for my life and time. Come speak at this event. Have dinner with us. We need you on this important board. I say no a lot. Some people understand, and some get mad. But I refuse to sacrifice God’s Chazown for anyone else’s.”

What has been on my mind is that I have to start saying yes and no to the right things. I've made the mistake of saying yes to practically everything, and I've swung the other direction and said no to practically everything. I am coming to realize that in order to effectively live the life God has called me to live, I have to carefully choose what I will say yes and no to. What are my priorities?

I will say yes to my family, of course. I will say yes to spending time with them, loving them, taking care of them, nurturing them, creating a peaceful and comfortable home for them. And I will say yes to the things that help me move in the direction of the mission statement I wrote about in the last post.

Those things are so very important to me, and to give them the time and energy they deserve, I will have to sacrifice other things. I need to greatly reduce the amount of time and energy I spend on the things not listed above. I am specifically thinking of things I waste time on, and commitments I have that are not helping me in either of those areas. Some people will understand; some may get mad. I don’t want to make anyone mad, but it’s time to set some boundaries and say yes and no to the right things.

My Mission Statement

Now it’s time to bring it all together, the three things I’ve been focusing on throughout the past few posts. When I look at my core values, my spiritual gifts, and my past experiences, where do they overlap? If I can find the place where they all meet, I can start to determine the vision God has for me.

Well, let’s quickly review.

The core values that I came up with were compassion, mercy, encouragement, empathy, love, grace, generosity, serving, community, and relationships. Thanks to my own reflections and a couple of online quizzes, the spiritual gifts I appear to have are mercy, exhortation (encouragement), serving/helping, giving, hospitality, and faith. And through my past experiences, I’ve learned firsthand about going through very difficult circumstances, working hard, and coming out a better person thanks to the love, support, and encouragement of others.

The overlap seems so obvious to me that it seems silly to even write it. My experiences combined with my core values and spiritual gifts position me perfectly to feel compassion and empathy for people who are struggling, to exhibit mercy, grace, and love toward them, to develop relationships with them, and to help them by encouraging and giving.

So to take it a step farther- what is my mission statement? Craig Groeschel says, “A mission statement is simply a one-sentence version of God’s Chazown for your life expressed in words that greatly motivate you to pursue if for Him. When you write yours, simply say what action you most want to take or pursue with your life, and what consequence you most want to accomplish with that action.” Mine is more than one sentence, but here it is:

I want to live out love and mercy toward people who are hurting and struggling, encouraging and helping them in the ways they need it most, in order to help them through their circumstances and into a better place. At the same time I want them to be able to see and feel God’s love, mercy, and grace through me, and be drawn closer to him. And I want to encourage and empower others to do the same.

Past Experiences

The third area Craig Groeschel says to consider when trying to discover God’s vision for your life is your past experiences, both painful experiences and good ones.

This is actually an interesting time for me to be considering my past experiences; every November I tend to think back to the past, to some experiences in November 2001. What happened during that time was painful and difficult, and it changed my life in so many ways. To keep this post as short as possible, I’ll just briefly touch on what happened; 7 years ago in November I found out I was pregnant with Elijah. What you wouldn’t normally expect to be a painful and difficult circumstance was, very much so- because I was 17 and still in my senior year of high school. A lot of painful words and emotions are seared on my memory, and each year as November begins, I find myself reflecting on those times.

I absolutely believe that God has used and will continue to use that painful experience. Because of it, I have personally experienced a lot of things that I may not have experienced otherwise. I know what it’s like to be brought lower than I ever thought I could be. I know what it’s like to be humbled and have my pride stripped away (I’ll admit it, I had a lot of pride before that). I know what it’s like to find myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in, a situation I had previously looked down on. I know what it’s like to disappoint other people. I know what it’s like to be talked about, made fun of, and looked down on. I know what it’s like to feel like a statistic. I know what it’s like to struggle- personally, in relationships, financially.

But thank God, I also know what it’s like to persevere through hard times. I know what it’s like to work hard in spite of adversity and to make it through on the other side a better person. I know what it’s like to work through those early months and years of marriage, and to be in a marriage that has grown in amazing ways. I know what it’s like to love other people more than myself. I know what it’s like to sacrifice willingly out of love for others. I know what it’s like to receive help, guidance, and support from family, friends, and community.

That experience changed me in so many ways- probably more than I realize. There are certainly other experiences in my past, both good and bad, that have shaped who I am and that God is using, but that is the biggest one I can think of. I feel that because of that experience, I can empathize with people who are struggling, going through their own personal hell in their circumstances, their family, their marriage, their finances. And I feel like I can encourage and support them through those things and help them come out successfully on the other side.

Spiritual Gifts, Part 2

I wrote a post about two months ago, near the end of August, but I’ve had it saved as a draft ever since. I’ve thought about it over the last couple of days as I’ve been exploring the areas of core values and spiritual gifts. The post was about trying to figure out where I fit in best at church, and I was thinking about what my interests and gifts were. Here is a portion of what I wrote:

“I took a quiz on spiritual gifts a while back and I scored 89% on three of them- serving/helping, mercy, and exhortation. Those all make sense to me, especially when you take my interests into account. I have a passion for community outreach, local missions, helping other people in big ways and small ways, and encouraging people. What I want to do is figure out how to combine my interests, talents, and gifts to find exactly where I fit.”

Sound familiar? I am working through the same process right now! Only now I am not just trying to determine where I fit best in church; I'm trying to figure out where I fit best in life.

Interestingly, I recently took another “spiritual gifts” quiz, this time through the Chazown website. According to this quiz, my top five, in order from highest to lowest, are:

Mercy- the ability to feel sincere compassion beyond normal Christian sympathy for persons who are in distress and to provide practical support to meet their needs; cheerful ministry to the undeserving and those who are in crisis

Exhortation- ability to bring out the best in others by means of encouraging, challenging, comforting, and guiding; the gift of counseling others to become all God wants them to be

Giving- unique capacity to comprehend the financial needs related to the growth of God’s kingdom and to meet those needs by contributing eagerly and generously; the ability to give sacrificially to the Lord’s work

Hospitality- unique capacity to welcome individuals or groups into one’s home in order to share fellowship, food, or lodging; desire and willingness to open one’s home to others

Faith- ability to see God’s purpose in a situation and to trust his wisdom and power to accomplish that purpose; gift of vision which enables one to believe God for what seems impossible

Some of the same things keep coming up, don't they?

Exploring Spiritual Gifts

The second area Craig Groeschel says to look at is spiritual gifts. He suggests asking yourself a few questions:

What do you have a passion to do, and enjoy doing? Or what do you suspect you might enjoy doing if you just looked into it a little more?
I have a passion for people- physically making a difference in hard circumstances, encouraging them, supporting them emotionally, helping them brainstorm and problem solve, getting to know them and understanding how they work. I also believe I would enjoy preparing women for childbirth by teaching childbirth classes, and helping women through childbirth and the postpartum period by becoming a doula. A couple other things- I enjoy writing, and if I could get started I think I would really love creating things- sewing, crocheting, making jewelry, painting, and other artsy stuff.

What do you do that has a significant impact on others?
Honestly, I don’t know. Currently, do I do anything that has a significant impact on others? I’m not asking that to try to appear humble; I’m asking that because I truly do not know. What I know is that I desperately desire to make a significant impact on others. But how? I think the most I do now is that I’m good at listening, empathizing, and encouraging, and I think people are impacted by that. But I want to do more.

What do you secretly believe you can do, but have never tried?
So many things. I believe I could start a non-profit organization. I’m not sure of the specifics of it, but there are three areas that I’m extremely interested in: pregnancy and natural childbirth, teen pregnancy and teen parenting, and poverty/homelessness/need. The thing is, there are lots of things I believe I could do, but I don’t know which one is the right path for me; I’d love to live in community with other people, with separate living areas for each family but also common areas, basically like a commune... I’d love to live in a small place in an inner city and work with the people who lived around me... I’d love to be a wanderer, moving from place to place with just my family and what we absolutely need, and working in various places and with all kinds of different people... I’d love to have a home that could be opened up to people who need a place to stay...

This quote in particular really hit home for me.

“I’d rather take my gifts and bury them. Forget about it. Play it safe. Stay home and be comfortable… Is it possible that for days or weeks or years, you have known or had a strong suspicion about something God gifted you and called you to do? I wonder what’s holding you back? Do you fear failure? Are you afraid of being uncomfortable? Do you hesitate at the thought of being stretched? Are you stuck in a fog of excuses or doubt or missing facts?”

Yes, that’s exactly it. More than I’d care to admit, I fear failure. I am terrified of it. I understand how important and necessary it can be to be uncomfortable and to be stretched—yet I am afraid of those things anyway. It’s so much easier to stay in my comfort zone and play it safe, dreaming about what I’d love to do and could do one day “if only…” But at the same time, it’s miserable. It makes me feel like such a waste of space, a waste of passion and talent. But then I’m so confused; I have broad ideas about things I’d like to do and things I’m interested in, but where do I begin? Which ones do I pursue? How in the world am I ever going to reach my destination? If I had more clarity about which direction, or directions, to go, that would be helpful. It would also be helpful to be able to break these larger dreams and ideas down into smaller steps and goals—but again, I need to know which ones to pursue first, right? At times I feel as though I’m bursting at the seams with passion and dreams… and at other times I feel so deflated and defeated, as though I will never get anywhere at all.

More on spiritual gifts tomorrow...

So What Are My Core Values?

In this post I want to explore what my core values might be, by answering some of the questions I mentioned in the last post.

What priorities make me turn down other highly attractive offers because I know what is indispensable for me?
- It’s important to me to live a fairly simple life, without a lot of stuff I don’t need or want.
- I believe in following my heart and not just “what makes sense” or “what everyone else does.”
- My family is very important to me and what's best for them will always be a huge priority for me.

What is unusual about me?
Hmm… everything? Those of you who know me might agree with that, and that’s okay with me. Actually, I think that’s one of the unusual things about me; I want to be different. I like being unusual. For me, nothing would be more boring or artificial than to be just like everyone else. At times this tends to come out as a rebellious nature; if someone says it can’t be done (or shouldn’t be done) I just may be first in line to defend it and do it. I question the status quo on pretty much everything.

Another thing that people seem to think is unusual about me is my ability to empathize and to see how a situation looks through another person’s eyes. It comes naturally, so to me it doesn’t seem that unusual; I have realized that it may be unusual through the years as I’ve irritated countless people by playing “devil’s advocate” and trying to understand or defend a different perspective. It’s something that I cannot turn off.

There are some other things, but I think I'll keep them to myself for now. Don't want to scare anyone off. ;)


What really angers me?
In the book, Craig Groeschel specifically asks, “What stirs righteous anger inside you? What makes you mad on God’s behalf? What offends your sense of justice and morality?” I get angry when I think about all the people in our country, in our world- in our city!- who are suffering, hungry, homeless, struggling… while at the same time, there are people everywhere, Christians everywhere, who have more than they need but are keeping it for themselves. And it bothers me deeply when this doesn’t anger others. I’m sure there are other things, but that’s the big one that I can think of.


What brings me bliss?
Doing what I can to help others, seeing people who are in need being helped by those who have the means to do it, putting value in people instead of things, getting to know people and develop relationships with them.

I think a few of my core values may be: compassion, mercy, encouragement, empathy, love, grace, generosity, serving, community, and relationships.

Core Values- Claimed vs. Practiced

In Chazown, Craig Groeschel says to look at three areas of your life to help determine your vision. The first area he discusses is core values, and that’s where I’ll start. Because he says it better than I will, here’s what he has to say about core values:

When God made you, He planted within your heart certain things you value deeply. They’re hardwired into your heart. They’re the values that, if you were to follow the path God has for you, would become the driving forces of your life. They’re the things you’d be willing to die for. They explain how you come by your personal priorities. Call these your core values… Your core values will rearrange and direct your energies, your time, your thoughts. If you ignore them, sooner or later you’ll be miserable. If you identify and pursue them, you’ll unleash your potential and set yourself up for fulfillment and success. What is most important in your life? Where do you refuse to bend?

He goes on to ask several questions. What priorities make you turn down other highly attractive offers because you know what- for you- is indispensable? What’s unusual about you? What do you value? What really angers you? What brings you bliss?

I’ll get back around to these questions, probably in my next post. But first I need to talk about something else. This has been on my mind a lot lately, then I read about it last night. Claimed values versus practiced values. I have been thinking about this for a while now, as I’ve realized that I’m really good at talking and writing about things I deeply believe and that truly matter to me… but I’m not so great at living it on a daily basis. It’s easier to talk than it is to act. It’s easier to pour my heart out and say all the right things than it is to actually do them. Craig Groeschel writes, “Put down your sweeping claims for a week or two and watch what you do.” Yeah, I’ve done that- and I don’t like what I see.

I don’t want to make excuses, but I do want to explore the reasons I do this. I think a lot of it comes down to me being an all-or-nothing kind of person; if I can’t put all my time and energy into something that's important to me, I tend to set it aside completely. I need to remember that even if I can’t pour my all into something, that doesn’t mean I should totally ignore it. Why not give what I am able to give? Isn’t that better than doing nothing? Of course it is. I also get stuck because of things like uncertainty about what exactly I should do next, fear of failure, and being overwhelmed by the big picture. I need to look at the big picture, definitely- but I also need to break things down into small, manageable steps. And then there’s my problem with following through. I am great at coming up with an idea and starting something new- and I’m terrible at finishing. Once the initial excitement and newness wears off, it’s like I start losing steam. I’m not sure how to fix this problem, but I need to figure it out.

So for the next couple of days, I’m going to focus on what my core values are and how I can be sure that these are not just claimed values but that they are practiced values as well.

Oh, wow...

Warning: This is not supposed to be funny.

But it is. Oh, it is. It's a lovely song called "The Big M" by a Christian band called Lust Control.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esy2b7qA9U4

Two Me's

Sometimes I feel like there are two me's. No, this is not a sign of an underlying mental disorder. At least I hope it isn't. ;)

There is the me who is content to simply fade into the background, who likes to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part and who can easily allow herself to become disconnected from people. This version of me is usually not striving toward any particular vision or goal, but is instead mostly just trying to get from one day to the next. This is who I become when things get overwhelming or I'm stressed out. The strange thing is, to begin with this feels perfectly natural and normal; it seems like the perfect response to stress, anxiety, or being overwhelmed is to withdraw a bit and focus on survival. And to a point, that can be exactly what I need!

The problem comes when I let it go too far. I become too withdrawn, too lazy, too complacent, too disconnected. And not just disconnected from people, but from God as well.

What about the other me? It's the me that, unfortunately, I feel like I don't experience enough of. The me who does have a vison and a goal, who does feel passionate about certain things, who maintains meaningful relationships with people, who wants to do more than simply survive. This version of me feels connected to God and probably looks a little crazy through the eyes of others because she isn't content with the status quo and often has goals that are completely opposite of what most people would consider normal.

The first "me" is who I feel I've been for the past couple of months, and I'm tired of it. I look back at the posts I wrote during my study of Luke, and I can see a clear difference; the person who wrote those posts was the second "me." It was not the same person as the one who's sitting here now. The person sitting here now has, for a variety of reasons, reverted to survival mode. Again, this can be exactly what I need- but it can also go too far.

The second "me" is who I want to be all the time. I'm not sure how to make that more likely to happen, but I want to try.

I've decided to read Craig Groeschel's book, Chazown. I have only read through the first few pages so far, but I think it's going to be very helpful. As I read through it, I'm sure I'll be writing about my thoughts, goals, and vision for my life. Please be patient with me as I try to emerge from the survival mode I've found myself in.

He Who Keeps You Will Not Slumber

So the baby is due in about 2 1/2 weeks, and I am getting ready. We have his things set up and a few clothes washed and put away; I'll wait until we see that he is, indeed, a boy before I wash the rest of them. :P We had our home visit with our midwife earlier this week, and now that I'm 37 weeks the homebirth is officially a go. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I suppose it's normal to be nervous; giving birth is kind of a big deal!

During my preparations for the birth, I've realized that two of the things that help me relax the most are music I enjoy and scripture. So this weekend I put together my labor CD. Half of the music is Dave Matthews Band, which, if you know me, is not surprising. It's a lovely CD. :) And I've written a few scriptures out on cards- not just for the time I'm in labor, but in the days and weeks leading up to it. I can read them for reassurance when I feel nervous. So I thought I'd post a few here.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." -Psalm 121

"For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God." -Psalm 62:5-7

"In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." -Psalm 56:4

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." -Psalm 46:1-3

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:28-31

Just for fun...

10 Overused Words/Phrases in the 2008 Election:

10. Media bias
9. Pandering
8. Hockey mom
7. Socialist
6. Joe (Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber)
5. Muslim
4. Elitist
3. Maverick
2. Change
1. My friends

This is even better than "flip-flopper" and "swift-boated," huh? ;)

Reflections

Sometimes it still hits me how unexpected this all was. I look around at all the baby stuff that's come into my house over the last few weeks, and I have to giggle a little bit. It feels so strange to see baby clothes and baby care items and little diapers and an infant carseat, when it's been so long since we've had a baby around. I look at Elijah's stuff- his big kid clothes, his big kid toys, his backpack and lunchbox, and then I look at all these little baby things and I just laugh. No, we didn't plan to have another baby- but I am so glad we are.

This pregnancy has been healing for me in ways that I didn't realize I needed. My pregnancy announcement was met with so much excitement and joy from family and friends. I was a senior in high school when I got pregnant with Elijah, and that pregnancy announcement was met with shock, disappointment, and embarassment. I will never forget the moment I told my mom about this pregnancy- the joy that spread across her face, her giddy excitement. It was a healing moment. I've spent this entire pregnancy reading everything I can get my hands on about natural birth and breastfeeding, and I am so excited to do it; I have long regretted many of the decisions I made throughout my first labor and delivery and Elijah's baby days. I did the best I could with the information I had then, I think, but now I am getting a chance to try again and to make better choices. It's healing. I cannot wait to peacefully bring my baby into the world, here in our quiet home, surrounded by people who love and support me- my husband, my mom, my doula, my midwife. I feel so much more prepared for birthing and parenting a baby this time around, and I have so much more support.

Sometimes I'm scared. I remember how hard it was at times with Elijah- breastfeeding hurt, I didn't know how to take care of a baby, I didn't take the time to bond with him like I should have, I started full-time college classes when he was 2 weeks old, I had PPD really bad, I was still a newlywed and a teenager. And I worry it will be the same with this baby, even though I know this is an entirely different- and better!- situation. I have so much support, love, and encouragement from family and friends, I know how to take care of a baby and I know what I want to do, I'm going to be a full-time mom to him. Surely things will be different this time. When I push past those fears, I realize that it's likely that the coming months are going to be very healing as well.

I'm surprised at how much admiration I have for my body when I'm pregnant; I feel so much happier and more comfortable with my body when I see it changing and growing to nourish and grow a child. Amazing. Suddenly the weight gain and the new stretch marks just don't matter to me one bit; my body is doing such an awesome, miraculous thing.

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow; I'm in the very last weeks of this pregnancy. It's gone by so quickly, and in a way I think I'll miss it once it's over. I have really enjoyed it- feeling the baby move, from the tiny movements all the way up to the big kicks I feel now... watching my body grow and change... noting how different I feel from month to month. This has been an amazing time in my life, and I am so glad I've gotten to experience it.

What Really Matters?

Turn on the TV, browse the internet, listen in on the conversations around you, and you’re likely to hear people talking about the current “economic crisis.” There are those who think the whole economy is going to come crashing down with devastating effects on families and businesses. And there are people who think it’s going to get better with time. There are people who think the bailout is the best way to handle the situation, and people who think it’s terribly unwise.

Regardless of all the speculation, one thing seems to stand out so clearly: how fragile it all really is. The façade of security has come tumbling down. It has been so easy to assume that we will always have the things we have, that we will always be able to get the things we need and the things we want. It has been so easy to assume that the jobs, the money, and the possessions we have today will still be there tomorrow. And it’s been so easy to buy into the idea that those things make us happy, that they give us a better “quality” of life.

When a family goes through financial struggles, they realize how fragile it all is. There is no guaranteed security in a job, a loan, money, stuff. Circumstances can change, and all those things could be gone or worth very little in the grand scheme of things. I think (I hope!) that our country as a whole may be starting to see that. We can’t put our hope and our security in money or things; there’s no guarantee that those things will last. Circumstances can change, and those things could be gone or worth very little.

It leaves us asking what really matters? What’s really important? What do we really need? What is true happiness? I can’t answer those questions for you, of course, but I can answer them for me. I’ve noticed that over the past couple of years my answers to those questions have changed. I’ve gotten to a place where I feel that I can be content with very little. Sure, it’s nice to have things we want—but it’s not necessary, or guaranteed, or something we’re entitled to. I feel like I’ve become a much simpler person. As long as my family has a safe place to live, food and water, a few clothes to wear, and the love of our family and friends, we have everything we need. Would it be fun and exciting to lose everything else? No, of course not—but if it happened, we’d be okay, because those things don’t really matter anyway.

When money is flowing freely and the economy is good and employment is high, it’s easy to think that we, not God, are providing for ourselves. And it’s easy, then, to place our trust and security in money, jobs, and material things. I find more and more wisdom in Jesus’ words; he emphasized over and over that God will provide our needs, we should treasure what really matters, and that we should serve God instead of money. What would happen if people all across America began following those principles?

Learning to Say No

I am becoming more and more aware of a problem I have. I'm terrible at saying no. There are really two underlying issues at work here. One is that sometimes I don't even realize that I'm trying to do too much. This leads to me saying yes to too many things and then I realize I've over-committed myself and I become overwhelmed and stressed out. And the other is that sometimes I get overly concerned with thinking about other people and wanting to prevent them from becoming stressed or inconvenienced. This leads to me ignoring what I really want or what I said no to already because I guilt-trip myself and make myself believe that if I can do it, that means I should. Basically, I have a hard time saying no and an even harder time sticking with my no.

Of course, it can be a good thing to think about other people and their needs, or to go out of my way to assist someone else. But it's not appropriate or healthy to make those things a way of life to the point of ignoring my own needs and stress levels. But it is so very hard for me to say no when I can see that my no would inconvenience someone else while my yes would lighten their load. It can be very tricky indeed.

I'm currently at a point in my life where I am over-committed, stressed out, and not very happy about it. I have a lot on my plate right now. And I know that if I listed it all out, it might not sound like that much to some people. But there are two important things that I need to remember about myself:

One, I'm an introvert. Contrary to popular belief, introversion doesn't necessarily mean I'm shy or that I don't like people; introverts simply need time alone and away from people so they can recharge. Being around other people too much drains and stresses out an introvert. My introversion means that if I get involved in doing too many things that involve social interaction, I will get worn out and stressed very quickly and I will desperately need to step away from it all to recharge. If I ignore my need to be alone and recharge for too long, I will most definitely burn out and become extremely overwhelmed and irritable. Yep, I'm there.

And two, I'm in the third trimester of my pregnancy. For many women, the third trimester is a time where we naturally withdraw a bit and we feel the need to cut back on commitments, we want to stay at home or close to home, and we focus on getting our homes and our lives ready for a new little one. I'm there, too.

Unfortunately, at a time where I honestly need to be cutting back on activities and commitments and reducing my stress levels, I feel like I'm piling on more and more. And this goes back to what I mentioned at the very beginning: sometimes I unintentionally say yes to too much, and sometimes I guilt myself into believing that if I technically can do something then I should do it, even if I know I don't want to or that it'll be too much. I'm guilty of both, and now I've reached a point where I feel like I literally have nothing left to give; various commitments and other life stresses combined with my need to step back, relax, and prepare for this baby have put me in a very difficult place.

I need to learn how to say no. I need to learn that sometimes it's okay and even necessary to put my own needs and wishes first. I need to learn how to stick with it once I've said no. Somehow I need to find ways that I can cut back during the next two months, and to do this I need to let go of my worries about disappointing other people. And I'll need to remember this after the baby is born, too, or I will be setting myself and my newborn up for some really rough times.

Luke- One Final Post

Two months after it began, my study of Luke is finished. It ended up taking longer than I expected, mostly because I'm really good at starting things and not so great at finishing them. But I'm so glad I went through each chapter of Luke and explored what I thought God was showing me. I have been challenged by this study; I've been reminded of things I already knew but needed to hear again, and I've been made aware of things I had never realized before.

As I learn more about Jesus, the way he lived his life and the things he taught, one particular issue keeps coming up in my mind, and I feel like I need to write about it. I have heard many times in the last couple of years that some Christians are promoting nothing more than a social gospel, and that the real good news of Jesus is being watered down or overlooked. But as I have worked my way through the book of Luke, I've realized that- for me, at least- nothing could be further from the truth.

For a person who sees Jesus as a great teacher, or even a prophet, it would be easy to pick and choose from the things he taught, and it wouldn't be a big deal to accept or reject his teachings about how to live. It would be easy to then piece together a social gospel out of those things, all while missing the overall point.

But I do not see Jesus as just a great teacher or prophet. For someone like me, who believes that Jesus is God's son- God in the flesh- suddenly Jesus' teachings aren't just nice-sounding principles that we may or may not want to take seriously. They are the words of God, the heart of God, something that I feel I should take very seriously indeed. My strong belief in Jesus as God's son, in the significance of his life, death, and resurrection, in the good news of his grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness- this is the unshakable foundation upon which my belief in living out the kind of life and love Jesus taught and exemplified is built.

When I start with that foundation, in my desire to follow Jesus and live the way he taught, it is vitally important to me to focus on living out grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness in my own life. It is vitally important to me to try to humble myself, serve others, and make a positive difference in other people's lives. This, to some people, may appear on the outside to be a "social gospel." To me, it is following Jesus, not just because I like how he lived, but because of who he is and what he has done for me.

Luke 24- He Is Risen Indeed

Reading the story now, knowing in advance how it will end, it's easy to quickly skim through the painful parts, like the crucifixion, comforted by the knowledge that it's all going to turn out okay. We know the story- Jesus doesn't stay dead. We've heard the story so many times; it's easy to forget how painful, frightening, and confusing those days must have been for his followers. They were living through it; they didn't know how it was going to end. I'd say they thought it had ended- the man they had left everything to follow, the man who they believed to be their Messiah, had just been crucified like a criminal. He was dead. How bleak and hopeless it all must have seemed. How many doubts and questions they must have had.

Twice in this chapter a resurrected Jesus appears to his followers, who are sorrowful over the events that have taken place. He had tried to tell them before what was in store for him, that he would suffer and die and rise again, but they just didn't get it. None of it made sense to them. But now, Luke says that Jesus "opened their minds to understand the Scriptures." Now, after the fact, it was painfully clear and undeniable that Jesus had, in fact, suffered and died. And here was Jesus, standing before him, making it clear- he had risen again.

But why? What was the point of it all? This is what Jesus says:

"Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in his name to all nations, beginning from Jerusalem."

So many people have been taught to believe in a God who is harsh and condemning, a God who is just waiting for us to mess up so he can punish us. So many people think they aren't good enough for God and therefore he could never love them. And you know what- we aren't good enough. That's true. We are completely unworthy, on our own, to stand before a perfect God. But God loves us anyway. He put skin on and made the ultimate sacrifice necessary so we could finally be reconciled to him. He's not eager to punish us; he's eager to forgive us and to have a relationship with us. And that is the good news- love, grace, mercy, forgiveness.

Luke 23- Forgive Them

At the beginning of his ministry, Jesus was tempted to prove himself by providing for his physical needs and by making a public spectacle. And now he's on the cross, facing the same temptations. He's been betrayed and denied by some of his own followers. His people have falsely accused him and insisted that he be put to death. He has been made fun of and he's been physically abused. Now he's hanging on a cross and, through the physical pain, through the mental anguish, through the emotional turmoil, he hears the people's words all around him.

"He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!"

"If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!"

"Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

How tempting it must have been to say, "To hell with these people," literally. How tempting it must have been to prove himself by making a public spectacle and saving himself. How tempting it must have been to make them see who he was and what they were doing.

But he didn't do any of those things. He didn't say, "To hell with them." Instead, he said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I can't find the words to explain how deeply that affects me. To see that God knows people are broken and blind to the truth, and that he reacts with compassion, love, and forgiveness instead of anger is so amazing. To see that he desires a relationship and is not going to try to force us to believe is amazing. To see that he would go to such great lengths, to make the sacrifice himself and to take on the punishment we deserved, so we can be redeemed is amazing.

Luke 22- Amazing Grace

We see the flaws and failures of Jesus' disciples throughout this chapter. Judas makes the decision to betray Jesus. The disciples get into an argument at the Passover meal, over which of them is the greatest. They fall asleep while Jesus is praying, even though he's instructed them to pray as well. And Peter, who had said only hours before that he was ready to go with Jesus to prison and death, denies that he even knows Jesus.

I have often wondered how much we're like Jesus' disciples. How often do we focus on the wrong thing while completely missing the point? How often do we just not get it? How often do we not see the seriousness of a situation? How often do we betray Jesus, setting aside our devotion to him in order to pursue our own selfish desires? How often do we deny that we even know him because we're afraid of what people will say or think or do?

This is one of the things that I find most amazing about Jesus. He knew what was coming. He knew that the disciples still didn't really get it. He knew he was going to be betrayed and denied by his own followers. I'd be willing to bet that he knew his followers throughout history would do the same, that we would still be imperfect and that we would still screw it up. And at the same time he knew what he was about to go through, he knew how he was going to suffer and die, and he knew why. And he chose to do it anyway, knowing that he, God in the flesh, was suffering all these things for imperfect, screwed up people- people like his disciples, people like us. He made the ultimate sacrifice to offer forgiveness and redemption to people who had done nothing at all to deserve it, because he loved us that much. That is what grace is all about. And it is truly amazing.

Luke 21- The Widow's Offering

Usually when I write, I like to bring everything to a conclusion, to state what I think and why. Today I'm not going to do that. In fact, the passage I'm going to write about today is one that I struggle with the most. And honestly, it's part of the reason I've delayed finishing up these posts on Luke; I've been avoiding this passage because I don't know how to write about it. So this post is unique; I have no idea what I'm going to say. I'm just going to write my thoughts as they come to me, and see where we end up.

The passage comes at the beginning of Luke 21, and here is what it says:

Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, "Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

Just two sentences from Jesus, but I struggle mightily with this in several different ways.

First, I have a hard time understanding what Jesus is actually saying. Is he implying that it is better for a person to put in all they have to live on than to put in only a portion? Is he saying that it means more to God? Is he saying the person who does it is more righteous or spiritual or blessed? Or is he simply making an observation- that although her coins don't look like they amount to much, they are everything she has- and that although the rich people's offerings look like a lot, they are but a portion of what they have?

Looking back, it seems that a lot of times I've heard this passage presented in such a way that leads one to believe Jesus is not simply making an observation, but that he is also deeming the widow and her offering as the better way, the way we should be doing things. But as I read through his words again, I realize he never makes a judgment call. He never says she or her offering are better or more righteous or more pleasing to God, and he never says that the rich people's offerings are not good enough or less pleasing to God.

I also struggle with guilt. The more I think about it, the more I think that I feel guilty because of some of the sermons I've heard in the past and some of the things I've read into this passage that aren't even there. So many times I've walked away from this passage feeling beat up. Why? Because when we have money left after paying our bills and getting food for our family, we absolutely give what we can to our church and to people in our lives who need extra money. I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. But during the times where we only have enough to live on ourselves, paying our bills and feeding our family come first.

Then I read that passage and feel so discouraged, like I've messed it all up. After all, we aren't doing what the widow did. We aren't putting in everything we have to live on. In fact, it seems to me like that would be a risk that perhaps God doesn't actually want us to take; it seems like saying, "Well, God, this is everything we have, our bills aren't paid and we don't have food, but I'm giving this money. You're gonna have to come through for me!" And that, to me, sounds like telling God what to do and not being smart with our very limited finances. What if God is sitting there going, "But don't you see that I AM coming through for you? I've provided this job, and you do have enough money to get the things your family absolutely needs- so use it for that!"

Maybe I need to look at this passage differently. Maybe I need to purge from my mind all the judgment calls that Jesus never actually stated, and go back to his actual words. Read his words again. Maybe he's not actually saying that giving out of your abundance is less righteous than giving everything you have. Maybe the point he's trying to make is simply that what looks like it isn't much in the eyes of others may be everything to the person who's giving it, and that sometimes what looks like a lot may mean little to the person who's giving it. Maybe he's saying that what's in your heart, what is driving you to give in the first place, is of more significance than the percentage or amount you're giving.

Luke 20- The Things That Are God's

In this chapter, some of the religious folks are trying to catch Jesus saying something wrong so they can turn him over to the authorities. So they ask him if it's okay for them to give money to the government. I have always felt somewhat comforted when I read the following exchange:

He perceived their craftiness, and said to them, "Show me a denarius. Whose likeness and inscription does it have?" They said, "Caesar's." He said to them, "Then render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's."

Why is this comforting to me? Because it always reminds me that things like money are not really mine to begin with; our money is inscribed, not with Caesar or Rome, but with American symbols. But people are stamped with God's image, created in his likeness, bearing his inscription. And I find it comforting to know that a government (or bills, or other people) can take the money- just paper and coins, really- but they cannot take what is God's. No one can take what is spiritual, our relationship with God, the joy that can be found through him no matter what the outward circumstances are- no one can take those things from our lives, these things that matter so much more than material things. My self, my life, my being are all stamped with God's image, and I will render those things to him, and not to anyone or anything else.

Time Keeps on Slipping Into the Future

This week has been a very obvious and bittersweet reminder of how quickly time passes and how quickly children grow up.


The biggest reminder has been Elijah starting kindergarten. He turned 6 last week and started kindergarten this week. And as you can probably imagine, I have had a hard time with it. Lots of mixed emotions- the first couple of days I was so nervous and worried. "Is he having a good time? Is he making friends? Or is he lonely and sad and feeling abandoned?" And other such worries. The first two mornings there were a lot of tears on my end, out of his sight of course because I didn't want to make things harder on him. But he seems to be enjoying school and he looks forward to going each day, so I feel excited and happy for him too. It's just hard, when I've been home with him full time for almost three years now, and part time before that, to have him gone for 6 1/2 hours a day. It honestly doesn't feel like that long ago that he was a little baby, and now look at him. It's amazing how quickly the time goes by.


But that's not the only thing that happened this week. As of Wednesday, I am now in the third trimester of this pregnancy. The last 6 months have gone by so quickly, and I know the next 3 will too. Before long I'll be holding my new baby. I have mixed feelings about this too- I'm so ready to have Jude here with me, but at the same time I really enjoy being pregnant and I'm going to miss it when it's over.


And one other thing that I have to mention. My little brother started his senior year of high school this week. I was Elijah's age when Scott was born, so I remember pretty clearly when he was a baby. And now he's in his last year of high school.

As I approach the end of this week, one thought keeps coming back to my mind: Cherish every moment. Seriously. Savor it, enjoy it, because it really does go so quickly.

Long Time, No Blog

Well, it's been about a week, I guess. Not really that long. I'm just a few chapters away from finishing the Luke study; in fact, I actually only have a couple chapters left to read, but sitting down to write has not been happening lately! I'm about to have more time on my hands, though. Elijah's starting kindergarten; yesterday was his first day. It's hard to believe that my baby is in school now. He and I are both adjusting to the change, slowly. It's hard to leave him for that long when I'm used to him being at home with me, but he comes home chatting about the things he did and excited about the things that they're going to do, so that helps. The last couple of mornings have been hard for me, and I imagine the next few will be as well. It's hard to watch your baby growing up.

Luke 19- For I'm Going to Your House Today

Whenever I hear about Zacchaeus, I automatically think of the song I learned as a child:

Zacchaeus was a wee little man,
and a wee little man was he.
He climbed up in a sycamore tree
for the Lord he wanted to see.
And as the Savior passed that way,
He looked up in the tree.
And he said, "Zacchaeus, you come down,
for I'm going to your house today.

But that song only tells half the story- a short guy climbed a tree so he could see Jesus, and Jesus told him that he was coming to his house. But the account in Luke gives us the rest of the story. Zacchaeus was a rich tax collector. Tax collectors were notoriously disliked by the people- they were greedy and took more than they were entitled to. The people were upset that Jesus was going to a sinner's house. But in the end, Zacchaeus made some major changes: he told Jesus that he was going to give half of his goods to the poor, and that he was going to reimburse the people he had cheated- by four times the amount he had taken from them!

As I read this, it occurred to me that when Jesus comes to our house- when he enters into our personal lives- it changes us. Once we've experienced the love Jesus has for us, his unmerited grace for undeserving sinners like ourselves, we cannot remain the same. When Jesus comes to our house, it changes what we do, how we live, and how we treat other people. We want to live the kind of life he's called us to live, we want to set things right, we want to show love to others.

I thank God that he loved me enough to "come to my house," to come into my personal life even when I was far from deserving. I thank God for his love and grace, and I want nothing more than to show love and grace to others in everything I do.

Luke 18- The Temptation of Self-Righteousness

Today I want to focus on the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector who went to pray. In his prayer, the Pharisee lists off the kinds of people that he feels he is better than, along with his righteous acts. But the tax collector recognizes his own brokenness and sinfulness.

Before the parable begins, Luke writes that Jesus "told the parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt." I think that's a temptation I give in to more often than I'd like to admit. On the outside it looks different from what the Pharisee was doing; I pride myself on not looking down on people who many would consider "more sinful" and I find myself judging those who do. But in the end, it's the exact same thing the Pharisee is doing- it's exalting myself, feeling proud of what I do, and judging others. Notice how the tax collector didn't say, "Yeah, well, I thank you that I'm not like this Pharisee, self-righteous and boasting and judgmental of others!"

I've said it before, because Jesus keeps pointing it out and it's something I feel is important- we all need to be more focused on our own sins and shortcomings, not those of others. If everyone is pointing their finger at someone else, no one is taking the time to examine their own lives and see what needs to change within themselves. I love the quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and I think that sentiment applies here. Rather than pointing out where other people fall short and boasting about ourselves, maybe we would do well to focus on changing our own selves- admitting our weaknesses and brokenness and screw-ups, doing what we can to change ourselves, and encouraging others by focusing on the good we see.

Luke 17- Doing Our Part

So Jesus is walking through and there are ten guys with leprosy. They ask Jesus to have mercy on them, he tells them to go show themselves to the priest, and they get healed. Sounds like a pretty basic Jesus miracle, right?

But wait. Did you catch the part where Jesus didn't heal them until they were already on their way to see the priest? Look at the story again- he instructs them to show themselves to the priests, which is what lepers were supposed to do to verify that they were, indeed, cleansed of leprosy. Seeing the priest is something you do after you've been healed. And that's what Jesus told them to do- go show themselves to the priest. And they obeyed; they set off to see the priests, even though they hadn't been healed yet. Luke says that they were cleansed on the way.

I wonder how long it took- if they were all cleansed simultaneously or one at a time, if it happened after a few steps or when they had almost arrived or somewhere in between. I wonder how long they each had to keep walking, still lepers, but having faith that they would be healed by the time they made it to the priests.

And I wonder how often we ask God for something, and he's going to give it to us- but first we have to follow his instructions. I wonder if there are situations in our lives where we have to make our move while we're still in a particular situation or circumstance, believing God will do what he said by the time we reach our destination. For that matter, notice that Jesus didn't even say, "Go see the priests, and I'll heal you on the way there." He never promised to cleanse them, but the instructions he gave implied that cleansing would indeed occur, and they did what he said. I wonder, too, when we set off to follow God's instructions, still in the midst of a given situation, how long the journey to our destination may take. Will the healing or remedy or whatever else come as soon as we start taking the first steps? Will it come in the middle of the journey? Or will it come at the last minute, just as we are approaching the destination?

This miracle, the cleansing of the ten lepers, reminds me that God doesn't always work in predictable, cut-and-dried ways. And it reminds me that, regardless, we should follow him, believing that he has a plan. He does have a plan- but sometimes before we can see the plan's completion, we must do our part by following his instructions in faith.

Luke 16- Who Are You Serving?

In this chapter, Jesus makes yet another point about money and possessions—which is that you cannot simultaneously serve God and serve the money and possessions of this world. I think so often Christians throw that line out there—“You cannot serve God and money”—and say they agree with it without fully considering the implications of that belief. I think too often we may assume, “Hey, I’m a Christian, so obviously I’m serving God, not money.” Maybe it would be prudent to ask ourselves a very serious question: Are we trying to serve both God and money?

Here are the questions I have found myself asking lately. How important to me is money? How important to me are possessions? Is my family spending more time and energy working to get, use, and enjoy more money and more possessions, or are we spending more time and energy focusing on God and following him? How dependent are we on money? And how dependent are we on God? For me, if the answer is that we are spending more time and energy focusing on and depending on money and possessions than we are spending on following God, we have crossed the line. We are then attempting to serve both God and money—and Jesus makes it clear that serving both is simply not possible; you will inevitably give your devotion to one and hate the other.

After Jesus says these things, “The Pharisees, who were lovers of money, heard all these things, and they ridiculed him.” As Clark and I ask ourselves these questions and begin taking steps to purposefully decrease our dependence on and devotion to money and possessions, and to increase our dependence on and devotion to God, we have been asked questions and thought of as very strange. So many Christians seem to believe that God’s ideal is for his followers to prosper and be wealthy, and that people will see the wealth of Christians and how God has “blessed” them and they, too, will want to follow God so they, too, can be blessed. To put it bluntly, I think that viewpoint is completely off base and, if you read and study how Jesus lived and instructed his followers to live, it appears to be un-Biblical as well.

I think the story of the rich man and Lazarus addresses this topic wonderfully. Here’s a rich man, comfortable and smug in his possessions and money. And right there at his gate, right in front of him, is a poor, sick, hungry man who, in the world’s eyes, has nothing. The God-blesses-his-followers-with-prosperity line of thinking is turned on its head if you keep reading. If that were true, then it would stand to reason that the rich man was following God and was righteous, so God was blessing him—and Lazarus’ hardships would have been God’s punishment or withholding of blessings because of his sins. But that isn’t what we see at all. Instead, Lazarus dies and is carried to Abraham’s side, and the rich man dies and finds himself tormented in Hades. Suddenly the whole situation seems tragically ironic—a man who spent his life enjoying the riches of the world is now in torment and begging for even a drop of water, and a man who spent his life in torment and begging is now being comforted.

The point here is not “Rich people are going to hell.” No, the point is that true riches from God have nothing to do with the money and possessions of the world—or as Jesus puts it, “unrighteous wealth.” In Matthew 6, Jesus told his followers, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” It is clear that the treasures and blessings and riches of God are not worldly possessions, material things, and money. It goes so much deeper than that. I prefer the treasures, blessings, and riches that come from following God—even if it means looking to the world like I have nothing—rather than the money and possessions the world seems to worship. I want to be sure that I am serving God, that I am fully devoted to following him. Jesus says, “No servant can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” I want to be sure that God, not money, is my master.

Just Checking In...

I realize I haven't posted much in the last week; I apologize. Things have been kind of busy around here, and I've been trying to keep the computer turned off for most of the day so I can focus more on my family. I'm planning to get back to my daily posting next week; I'm excited about finishing up my Luke study!

Luke 15- Unconditional Love

We are so important to God. Every single one of us. That's hard to remember sometimes, I think. In Luke 15 Jesus makes it clear that, no matter how many other "righteous" people are following him, God is still very concerned about the "sinners" and he rejoices and celebrates when even one person repents. That is just amazing, isn't it? So many times people screw up and feel so rotten about themselves, so worthless, and convince themselves that God could never love them. I want to tell you, that is not the case at all! God's love is unconditional, which is so, so hard for us to wrap our minds around, especially when most of the love we encounter in this world is conditional. When we feel like we are only loved by people if we please them, do things just right, and meet their standards, it is so easy to apply that same assumption to God and his love. It has taken me years to really understand and believe that God loves me unconditionally- even when I screw up majorly. It doesn't matter what you've done or what you haven't done- God loves you. He rejoices when you come to him; he desires a relationship with you that much. You are so indescribably special to him.

Luke 14- Emo Jesus

For a while in this chapter, Jesus sounds like he’s gone emo. Check out what he says: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Whoa, wait a minute—this sounds pretty depressing. And it doesn’t sound much like the Jesus I’ve been reading about for 14 chapters now, the Jesus who taught love.

But let’s take it a little deeper. Personally, I don’t think Jesus was laying out a requirement that, to follow him, we have to literally hate our families and our lives. I don’t believe for a minute that he would tell us to love our neighbors and even love our enemies, but hate our families. So what does he mean?

If you read the rest of this passage (Luke 14:25-33) he gives examples of a person building a tower and a king preparing for war, and points out that these people would not jump right in until they had counted the cost and weighed out whether they were able to accomplish their goal. So it is with following Jesus. It’s easy to say, “I’ll follow you,” but as I’ve talked about before in these posts, it’s not always as easy to actually follow him.

I think Jesus was issuing a reminder that people who want to follow him need to be aware of what it will really be like and they need to look at what it may cost them. After all, to truly follow Jesus means recognizing that even the most important things have to become less important than him. We have to follow wholeheartedly, without excuses, and I think he’s telling the people to consider whether they are able to do that. It can be extraordinarily hard to let go of even the material things in life, like money and possessions, to follow him—but it is even harder to be willing to say, “Yes, Jesus, I will put you above everything else in my life, even my own family and myself, because I love you that much.” No, that’s not always easy. But is following Jesus worth the cost? Is it worth giving up our false sense of control and putting him first? Yes, I think it is.

Luke 13- Do We Judge or Love?

We’ve all heard reports in the news of Christian leaders or groups claiming that bad things have happened to certain groups of people (Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, for example) because of their sin. At the beginning of this chapter Jesus gives some examples of awful things that had happened—like a tower falling on and killing a bunch of people—and he basically says, “Do you think that, because of what happened to them, these people must have been worse sinners than everyone else?” And you just know that some people in the crowd were thinking (or saying), “Yes!” and recalling the sins of the people who had died tragically. But Jesus answered his own question. “No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.”

Wow. What a great reminder that we need to be more concerned about identifying and repenting of our own sins, instead of ignoring our own and pointing out others’ sins. In fact, Jesus talked about this before in Luke 6:41. “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” As long as we’re trying to judge how sinful other people are, we are too busy focusing on their “specks” instead of focusing on removing our own “logs.”

I know I’m guilty of this, so I’m certainly not pointing my finger at everyone else by writing this. (How ironic it would be if I were!) It can be so much easier and more comfortable to sit back and look at everyone else, and to try to judge how sinful or how righteous they are. It’s easy to talk about someone else’s mistakes and wrongdoings, and to gossip about them and vilify them. It’s a lot harder and a lot more painful to honestly take a look at our own selves, though, isn’t it? It’s not so easy to put ourselves under our own magnifying glass and identify our own shortcomings and sins. It’s uncomfortable and it’s painful, because it forces us to realize that we are not perfect either, that we are broken on the inside.

But Luke 6 also says “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” That reminds me that when I judge or condemn others, then I must turn that magnifying glass on myself, and I will have no choice but to judge and condemn myself just as harshly (and other people will as well)—but when I am forgiving toward others, I can also forgive myself and be forgiven.

I also find myself reflecting on the fact that, even with all my imperfections and screw-ups, God loves me unconditionally. That has taken me a long time to learn and understand, because for so long I believed that he didn’t love me much at all if I wasn’t doing things just right. But at the same time, I think it’s important to remember that just as God loves us unconditionally, he also loves other people unconditionally. Those other people whose sins we judge harshly, who we condemn, who we gossip about, who we make nasty jokes about, who we avoid—he loves them unconditionally too. If we are striving to be disciples of Jesus and to be Christ-like, wouldn’t it be a good idea to love them also, to show them mercy and grace?