Reflections

Sometimes it still hits me how unexpected this all was. I look around at all the baby stuff that's come into my house over the last few weeks, and I have to giggle a little bit. It feels so strange to see baby clothes and baby care items and little diapers and an infant carseat, when it's been so long since we've had a baby around. I look at Elijah's stuff- his big kid clothes, his big kid toys, his backpack and lunchbox, and then I look at all these little baby things and I just laugh. No, we didn't plan to have another baby- but I am so glad we are.

This pregnancy has been healing for me in ways that I didn't realize I needed. My pregnancy announcement was met with so much excitement and joy from family and friends. I was a senior in high school when I got pregnant with Elijah, and that pregnancy announcement was met with shock, disappointment, and embarassment. I will never forget the moment I told my mom about this pregnancy- the joy that spread across her face, her giddy excitement. It was a healing moment. I've spent this entire pregnancy reading everything I can get my hands on about natural birth and breastfeeding, and I am so excited to do it; I have long regretted many of the decisions I made throughout my first labor and delivery and Elijah's baby days. I did the best I could with the information I had then, I think, but now I am getting a chance to try again and to make better choices. It's healing. I cannot wait to peacefully bring my baby into the world, here in our quiet home, surrounded by people who love and support me- my husband, my mom, my doula, my midwife. I feel so much more prepared for birthing and parenting a baby this time around, and I have so much more support.

Sometimes I'm scared. I remember how hard it was at times with Elijah- breastfeeding hurt, I didn't know how to take care of a baby, I didn't take the time to bond with him like I should have, I started full-time college classes when he was 2 weeks old, I had PPD really bad, I was still a newlywed and a teenager. And I worry it will be the same with this baby, even though I know this is an entirely different- and better!- situation. I have so much support, love, and encouragement from family and friends, I know how to take care of a baby and I know what I want to do, I'm going to be a full-time mom to him. Surely things will be different this time. When I push past those fears, I realize that it's likely that the coming months are going to be very healing as well.

I'm surprised at how much admiration I have for my body when I'm pregnant; I feel so much happier and more comfortable with my body when I see it changing and growing to nourish and grow a child. Amazing. Suddenly the weight gain and the new stretch marks just don't matter to me one bit; my body is doing such an awesome, miraculous thing.

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow; I'm in the very last weeks of this pregnancy. It's gone by so quickly, and in a way I think I'll miss it once it's over. I have really enjoyed it- feeling the baby move, from the tiny movements all the way up to the big kicks I feel now... watching my body grow and change... noting how different I feel from month to month. This has been an amazing time in my life, and I am so glad I've gotten to experience it.