Two Me's

Sometimes I feel like there are two me's. No, this is not a sign of an underlying mental disorder. At least I hope it isn't. ;)

There is the me who is content to simply fade into the background, who likes to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part and who can easily allow herself to become disconnected from people. This version of me is usually not striving toward any particular vision or goal, but is instead mostly just trying to get from one day to the next. This is who I become when things get overwhelming or I'm stressed out. The strange thing is, to begin with this feels perfectly natural and normal; it seems like the perfect response to stress, anxiety, or being overwhelmed is to withdraw a bit and focus on survival. And to a point, that can be exactly what I need!

The problem comes when I let it go too far. I become too withdrawn, too lazy, too complacent, too disconnected. And not just disconnected from people, but from God as well.

What about the other me? It's the me that, unfortunately, I feel like I don't experience enough of. The me who does have a vison and a goal, who does feel passionate about certain things, who maintains meaningful relationships with people, who wants to do more than simply survive. This version of me feels connected to God and probably looks a little crazy through the eyes of others because she isn't content with the status quo and often has goals that are completely opposite of what most people would consider normal.

The first "me" is who I feel I've been for the past couple of months, and I'm tired of it. I look back at the posts I wrote during my study of Luke, and I can see a clear difference; the person who wrote those posts was the second "me." It was not the same person as the one who's sitting here now. The person sitting here now has, for a variety of reasons, reverted to survival mode. Again, this can be exactly what I need- but it can also go too far.

The second "me" is who I want to be all the time. I'm not sure how to make that more likely to happen, but I want to try.

I've decided to read Craig Groeschel's book, Chazown. I have only read through the first few pages so far, but I think it's going to be very helpful. As I read through it, I'm sure I'll be writing about my thoughts, goals, and vision for my life. Please be patient with me as I try to emerge from the survival mode I've found myself in.