Spiritual Gifts, Part 2

I wrote a post about two months ago, near the end of August, but I’ve had it saved as a draft ever since. I’ve thought about it over the last couple of days as I’ve been exploring the areas of core values and spiritual gifts. The post was about trying to figure out where I fit in best at church, and I was thinking about what my interests and gifts were. Here is a portion of what I wrote:

“I took a quiz on spiritual gifts a while back and I scored 89% on three of them- serving/helping, mercy, and exhortation. Those all make sense to me, especially when you take my interests into account. I have a passion for community outreach, local missions, helping other people in big ways and small ways, and encouraging people. What I want to do is figure out how to combine my interests, talents, and gifts to find exactly where I fit.”

Sound familiar? I am working through the same process right now! Only now I am not just trying to determine where I fit best in church; I'm trying to figure out where I fit best in life.

Interestingly, I recently took another “spiritual gifts” quiz, this time through the Chazown website. According to this quiz, my top five, in order from highest to lowest, are:

Mercy- the ability to feel sincere compassion beyond normal Christian sympathy for persons who are in distress and to provide practical support to meet their needs; cheerful ministry to the undeserving and those who are in crisis

Exhortation- ability to bring out the best in others by means of encouraging, challenging, comforting, and guiding; the gift of counseling others to become all God wants them to be

Giving- unique capacity to comprehend the financial needs related to the growth of God’s kingdom and to meet those needs by contributing eagerly and generously; the ability to give sacrificially to the Lord’s work

Hospitality- unique capacity to welcome individuals or groups into one’s home in order to share fellowship, food, or lodging; desire and willingness to open one’s home to others

Faith- ability to see God’s purpose in a situation and to trust his wisdom and power to accomplish that purpose; gift of vision which enables one to believe God for what seems impossible

Some of the same things keep coming up, don't they?

Exploring Spiritual Gifts

The second area Craig Groeschel says to look at is spiritual gifts. He suggests asking yourself a few questions:

What do you have a passion to do, and enjoy doing? Or what do you suspect you might enjoy doing if you just looked into it a little more?
I have a passion for people- physically making a difference in hard circumstances, encouraging them, supporting them emotionally, helping them brainstorm and problem solve, getting to know them and understanding how they work. I also believe I would enjoy preparing women for childbirth by teaching childbirth classes, and helping women through childbirth and the postpartum period by becoming a doula. A couple other things- I enjoy writing, and if I could get started I think I would really love creating things- sewing, crocheting, making jewelry, painting, and other artsy stuff.

What do you do that has a significant impact on others?
Honestly, I don’t know. Currently, do I do anything that has a significant impact on others? I’m not asking that to try to appear humble; I’m asking that because I truly do not know. What I know is that I desperately desire to make a significant impact on others. But how? I think the most I do now is that I’m good at listening, empathizing, and encouraging, and I think people are impacted by that. But I want to do more.

What do you secretly believe you can do, but have never tried?
So many things. I believe I could start a non-profit organization. I’m not sure of the specifics of it, but there are three areas that I’m extremely interested in: pregnancy and natural childbirth, teen pregnancy and teen parenting, and poverty/homelessness/need. The thing is, there are lots of things I believe I could do, but I don’t know which one is the right path for me; I’d love to live in community with other people, with separate living areas for each family but also common areas, basically like a commune... I’d love to live in a small place in an inner city and work with the people who lived around me... I’d love to be a wanderer, moving from place to place with just my family and what we absolutely need, and working in various places and with all kinds of different people... I’d love to have a home that could be opened up to people who need a place to stay...

This quote in particular really hit home for me.

“I’d rather take my gifts and bury them. Forget about it. Play it safe. Stay home and be comfortable… Is it possible that for days or weeks or years, you have known or had a strong suspicion about something God gifted you and called you to do? I wonder what’s holding you back? Do you fear failure? Are you afraid of being uncomfortable? Do you hesitate at the thought of being stretched? Are you stuck in a fog of excuses or doubt or missing facts?”

Yes, that’s exactly it. More than I’d care to admit, I fear failure. I am terrified of it. I understand how important and necessary it can be to be uncomfortable and to be stretched—yet I am afraid of those things anyway. It’s so much easier to stay in my comfort zone and play it safe, dreaming about what I’d love to do and could do one day “if only…” But at the same time, it’s miserable. It makes me feel like such a waste of space, a waste of passion and talent. But then I’m so confused; I have broad ideas about things I’d like to do and things I’m interested in, but where do I begin? Which ones do I pursue? How in the world am I ever going to reach my destination? If I had more clarity about which direction, or directions, to go, that would be helpful. It would also be helpful to be able to break these larger dreams and ideas down into smaller steps and goals—but again, I need to know which ones to pursue first, right? At times I feel as though I’m bursting at the seams with passion and dreams… and at other times I feel so deflated and defeated, as though I will never get anywhere at all.

More on spiritual gifts tomorrow...

So What Are My Core Values?

In this post I want to explore what my core values might be, by answering some of the questions I mentioned in the last post.

What priorities make me turn down other highly attractive offers because I know what is indispensable for me?
- It’s important to me to live a fairly simple life, without a lot of stuff I don’t need or want.
- I believe in following my heart and not just “what makes sense” or “what everyone else does.”
- My family is very important to me and what's best for them will always be a huge priority for me.

What is unusual about me?
Hmm… everything? Those of you who know me might agree with that, and that’s okay with me. Actually, I think that’s one of the unusual things about me; I want to be different. I like being unusual. For me, nothing would be more boring or artificial than to be just like everyone else. At times this tends to come out as a rebellious nature; if someone says it can’t be done (or shouldn’t be done) I just may be first in line to defend it and do it. I question the status quo on pretty much everything.

Another thing that people seem to think is unusual about me is my ability to empathize and to see how a situation looks through another person’s eyes. It comes naturally, so to me it doesn’t seem that unusual; I have realized that it may be unusual through the years as I’ve irritated countless people by playing “devil’s advocate” and trying to understand or defend a different perspective. It’s something that I cannot turn off.

There are some other things, but I think I'll keep them to myself for now. Don't want to scare anyone off. ;)


What really angers me?
In the book, Craig Groeschel specifically asks, “What stirs righteous anger inside you? What makes you mad on God’s behalf? What offends your sense of justice and morality?” I get angry when I think about all the people in our country, in our world- in our city!- who are suffering, hungry, homeless, struggling… while at the same time, there are people everywhere, Christians everywhere, who have more than they need but are keeping it for themselves. And it bothers me deeply when this doesn’t anger others. I’m sure there are other things, but that’s the big one that I can think of.


What brings me bliss?
Doing what I can to help others, seeing people who are in need being helped by those who have the means to do it, putting value in people instead of things, getting to know people and develop relationships with them.

I think a few of my core values may be: compassion, mercy, encouragement, empathy, love, grace, generosity, serving, community, and relationships.

Core Values- Claimed vs. Practiced

In Chazown, Craig Groeschel says to look at three areas of your life to help determine your vision. The first area he discusses is core values, and that’s where I’ll start. Because he says it better than I will, here’s what he has to say about core values:

When God made you, He planted within your heart certain things you value deeply. They’re hardwired into your heart. They’re the values that, if you were to follow the path God has for you, would become the driving forces of your life. They’re the things you’d be willing to die for. They explain how you come by your personal priorities. Call these your core values… Your core values will rearrange and direct your energies, your time, your thoughts. If you ignore them, sooner or later you’ll be miserable. If you identify and pursue them, you’ll unleash your potential and set yourself up for fulfillment and success. What is most important in your life? Where do you refuse to bend?

He goes on to ask several questions. What priorities make you turn down other highly attractive offers because you know what- for you- is indispensable? What’s unusual about you? What do you value? What really angers you? What brings you bliss?

I’ll get back around to these questions, probably in my next post. But first I need to talk about something else. This has been on my mind a lot lately, then I read about it last night. Claimed values versus practiced values. I have been thinking about this for a while now, as I’ve realized that I’m really good at talking and writing about things I deeply believe and that truly matter to me… but I’m not so great at living it on a daily basis. It’s easier to talk than it is to act. It’s easier to pour my heart out and say all the right things than it is to actually do them. Craig Groeschel writes, “Put down your sweeping claims for a week or two and watch what you do.” Yeah, I’ve done that- and I don’t like what I see.

I don’t want to make excuses, but I do want to explore the reasons I do this. I think a lot of it comes down to me being an all-or-nothing kind of person; if I can’t put all my time and energy into something that's important to me, I tend to set it aside completely. I need to remember that even if I can’t pour my all into something, that doesn’t mean I should totally ignore it. Why not give what I am able to give? Isn’t that better than doing nothing? Of course it is. I also get stuck because of things like uncertainty about what exactly I should do next, fear of failure, and being overwhelmed by the big picture. I need to look at the big picture, definitely- but I also need to break things down into small, manageable steps. And then there’s my problem with following through. I am great at coming up with an idea and starting something new- and I’m terrible at finishing. Once the initial excitement and newness wears off, it’s like I start losing steam. I’m not sure how to fix this problem, but I need to figure it out.

So for the next couple of days, I’m going to focus on what my core values are and how I can be sure that these are not just claimed values but that they are practiced values as well.

Oh, wow...

Warning: This is not supposed to be funny.

But it is. Oh, it is. It's a lovely song called "The Big M" by a Christian band called Lust Control.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esy2b7qA9U4

Two Me's

Sometimes I feel like there are two me's. No, this is not a sign of an underlying mental disorder. At least I hope it isn't. ;)

There is the me who is content to simply fade into the background, who likes to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part and who can easily allow herself to become disconnected from people. This version of me is usually not striving toward any particular vision or goal, but is instead mostly just trying to get from one day to the next. This is who I become when things get overwhelming or I'm stressed out. The strange thing is, to begin with this feels perfectly natural and normal; it seems like the perfect response to stress, anxiety, or being overwhelmed is to withdraw a bit and focus on survival. And to a point, that can be exactly what I need!

The problem comes when I let it go too far. I become too withdrawn, too lazy, too complacent, too disconnected. And not just disconnected from people, but from God as well.

What about the other me? It's the me that, unfortunately, I feel like I don't experience enough of. The me who does have a vison and a goal, who does feel passionate about certain things, who maintains meaningful relationships with people, who wants to do more than simply survive. This version of me feels connected to God and probably looks a little crazy through the eyes of others because she isn't content with the status quo and often has goals that are completely opposite of what most people would consider normal.

The first "me" is who I feel I've been for the past couple of months, and I'm tired of it. I look back at the posts I wrote during my study of Luke, and I can see a clear difference; the person who wrote those posts was the second "me." It was not the same person as the one who's sitting here now. The person sitting here now has, for a variety of reasons, reverted to survival mode. Again, this can be exactly what I need- but it can also go too far.

The second "me" is who I want to be all the time. I'm not sure how to make that more likely to happen, but I want to try.

I've decided to read Craig Groeschel's book, Chazown. I have only read through the first few pages so far, but I think it's going to be very helpful. As I read through it, I'm sure I'll be writing about my thoughts, goals, and vision for my life. Please be patient with me as I try to emerge from the survival mode I've found myself in.

He Who Keeps You Will Not Slumber

So the baby is due in about 2 1/2 weeks, and I am getting ready. We have his things set up and a few clothes washed and put away; I'll wait until we see that he is, indeed, a boy before I wash the rest of them. :P We had our home visit with our midwife earlier this week, and now that I'm 37 weeks the homebirth is officially a go. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I suppose it's normal to be nervous; giving birth is kind of a big deal!

During my preparations for the birth, I've realized that two of the things that help me relax the most are music I enjoy and scripture. So this weekend I put together my labor CD. Half of the music is Dave Matthews Band, which, if you know me, is not surprising. It's a lovely CD. :) And I've written a few scriptures out on cards- not just for the time I'm in labor, but in the days and weeks leading up to it. I can read them for reassurance when I feel nervous. So I thought I'd post a few here.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." -Psalm 121

"For God alone, o my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God." -Psalm 62:5-7

"In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." -Psalm 56:4

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." -Psalm 46:1-3

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:28-31

Just for fun...

10 Overused Words/Phrases in the 2008 Election:

10. Media bias
9. Pandering
8. Hockey mom
7. Socialist
6. Joe (Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber)
5. Muslim
4. Elitist
3. Maverick
2. Change
1. My friends

This is even better than "flip-flopper" and "swift-boated," huh? ;)

Reflections

Sometimes it still hits me how unexpected this all was. I look around at all the baby stuff that's come into my house over the last few weeks, and I have to giggle a little bit. It feels so strange to see baby clothes and baby care items and little diapers and an infant carseat, when it's been so long since we've had a baby around. I look at Elijah's stuff- his big kid clothes, his big kid toys, his backpack and lunchbox, and then I look at all these little baby things and I just laugh. No, we didn't plan to have another baby- but I am so glad we are.

This pregnancy has been healing for me in ways that I didn't realize I needed. My pregnancy announcement was met with so much excitement and joy from family and friends. I was a senior in high school when I got pregnant with Elijah, and that pregnancy announcement was met with shock, disappointment, and embarassment. I will never forget the moment I told my mom about this pregnancy- the joy that spread across her face, her giddy excitement. It was a healing moment. I've spent this entire pregnancy reading everything I can get my hands on about natural birth and breastfeeding, and I am so excited to do it; I have long regretted many of the decisions I made throughout my first labor and delivery and Elijah's baby days. I did the best I could with the information I had then, I think, but now I am getting a chance to try again and to make better choices. It's healing. I cannot wait to peacefully bring my baby into the world, here in our quiet home, surrounded by people who love and support me- my husband, my mom, my doula, my midwife. I feel so much more prepared for birthing and parenting a baby this time around, and I have so much more support.

Sometimes I'm scared. I remember how hard it was at times with Elijah- breastfeeding hurt, I didn't know how to take care of a baby, I didn't take the time to bond with him like I should have, I started full-time college classes when he was 2 weeks old, I had PPD really bad, I was still a newlywed and a teenager. And I worry it will be the same with this baby, even though I know this is an entirely different- and better!- situation. I have so much support, love, and encouragement from family and friends, I know how to take care of a baby and I know what I want to do, I'm going to be a full-time mom to him. Surely things will be different this time. When I push past those fears, I realize that it's likely that the coming months are going to be very healing as well.

I'm surprised at how much admiration I have for my body when I'm pregnant; I feel so much happier and more comfortable with my body when I see it changing and growing to nourish and grow a child. Amazing. Suddenly the weight gain and the new stretch marks just don't matter to me one bit; my body is doing such an awesome, miraculous thing.

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow; I'm in the very last weeks of this pregnancy. It's gone by so quickly, and in a way I think I'll miss it once it's over. I have really enjoyed it- feeling the baby move, from the tiny movements all the way up to the big kicks I feel now... watching my body grow and change... noting how different I feel from month to month. This has been an amazing time in my life, and I am so glad I've gotten to experience it.

What Really Matters?

Turn on the TV, browse the internet, listen in on the conversations around you, and you’re likely to hear people talking about the current “economic crisis.” There are those who think the whole economy is going to come crashing down with devastating effects on families and businesses. And there are people who think it’s going to get better with time. There are people who think the bailout is the best way to handle the situation, and people who think it’s terribly unwise.

Regardless of all the speculation, one thing seems to stand out so clearly: how fragile it all really is. The façade of security has come tumbling down. It has been so easy to assume that we will always have the things we have, that we will always be able to get the things we need and the things we want. It has been so easy to assume that the jobs, the money, and the possessions we have today will still be there tomorrow. And it’s been so easy to buy into the idea that those things make us happy, that they give us a better “quality” of life.

When a family goes through financial struggles, they realize how fragile it all is. There is no guaranteed security in a job, a loan, money, stuff. Circumstances can change, and all those things could be gone or worth very little in the grand scheme of things. I think (I hope!) that our country as a whole may be starting to see that. We can’t put our hope and our security in money or things; there’s no guarantee that those things will last. Circumstances can change, and those things could be gone or worth very little.

It leaves us asking what really matters? What’s really important? What do we really need? What is true happiness? I can’t answer those questions for you, of course, but I can answer them for me. I’ve noticed that over the past couple of years my answers to those questions have changed. I’ve gotten to a place where I feel that I can be content with very little. Sure, it’s nice to have things we want—but it’s not necessary, or guaranteed, or something we’re entitled to. I feel like I’ve become a much simpler person. As long as my family has a safe place to live, food and water, a few clothes to wear, and the love of our family and friends, we have everything we need. Would it be fun and exciting to lose everything else? No, of course not—but if it happened, we’d be okay, because those things don’t really matter anyway.

When money is flowing freely and the economy is good and employment is high, it’s easy to think that we, not God, are providing for ourselves. And it’s easy, then, to place our trust and security in money, jobs, and material things. I find more and more wisdom in Jesus’ words; he emphasized over and over that God will provide our needs, we should treasure what really matters, and that we should serve God instead of money. What would happen if people all across America began following those principles?