Finding Balance

I just need to think through some things...

Clark and I feel strongly about living a simple life—not having more than we need, not living an extravagant lifestyle, etc. We feel this way for several reasons: we want to be sure that we don't place too much importance or dependence on money or things, and we want to be able to give to others as much as we can. We are drawn to a lifestyle that is very different from what most people would consider “normal.” In our culture it just isn’t “normal” to stick with what we need and to not accumulate extra and to actually give our extra stuff away. It isn’t “normal” to want to live well below our means in order to be able to help others, or to want to live in community with others. We feel called to spend our lives, full-time, helping others, reaching out, giving, making a difference. And while we certainly don’t feel that every Christian is called to live this way, we feel called to live this way. We realize that we can’t possibly give enough or do enough to fix all the problems of everyone in need, but we feel very convicted to do all we can. We can’t change the world, but I think we CAN make a world of difference to someone.

The problem is, I struggle all the time with determining where the line is for us. I find myself asking all kinds of questions. When it comes to money, food, clothes, other stuff, our house, our vehicle—what do we actually NEED? Is it okay to have anything more than what we truly need? If so, then how much is too much? Where do we cross the line into unnecessary extravagance or luxury? Where do we cross the line into materialism or greed? I know many people probably do not struggle to find this balance, but I have a really hard time because of the way we feel called to live our lives. Plus, I tend to be an "all or nothing" person and so finding a balance usually isn't easy for me. And so I struggle with determining how much, if any, money we should save. Or how many clothes we should each have, or how many toys my children should have, or whether we should save for a bigger family car, or what place special treats or vacations should have. And so on.

I know that probably sounds crazy. But it is truly a big struggle for me. I'm not on a quest for legalistic rules about what's okay and what isn't; I just really want to figure out where the balance is, for us. I realize that because of the way we feel called to live and what we want to do with our lives, our balance may look different from others' and that's okay- but the fact that it may look different makes it difficult to figure out how it will look for us, if that makes any sense.

Pregnancy Update

Yesterday was the due date, so he will really be here any time now! At Monday's appointment with my midwife, I was 1 cm dilated and about 70% effaced. It's so cool to know that I'm getting closer. I haven't had any problems or complications, which is great. We have everything ready for the birth; we're having him at home and are really excited about it. And we are almost positive that we've finally picked a name, although we're not telling anyone what it is until he's born in case we change our minds again.

I haven't really posted any pictures here, so here are a couple.

Financial Health

The next section in Chazown has been weighing on my mind since I read it. It’s the section about financial health. While we don’t have any debt other than our mortgage (we don’t have a car payment or school loans, and we don’t even own a credit card), we certainly are not in the most financially healthy place. Earlier in the book, there was a survey to assess where we are financially, and I unfortunately had to agree with many of the statements made. I feel financially hindered from doing some things God wants me to do. I’m often worried about finances. If I didn’t have an income for one month, I couldn’t pay my bills. I’m not tithing 10 percent of my income to God.

I do not want to be in bondage to money. That’s exactly why we have avoided debt as much as possible. My parents recently loaned us money to buy a new mattress and we have been paying them back, and honestly, I hate having even that small debt. I want us to become more financially healthy, which is so hard to do when we are mostly living from paycheck to paycheck. This has been a very hard year for us financially and as we reach the end of the year it seems that we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to make some specific financial plans and goals—some immediate goals, some for 2009, and some that are more long-term. I won’t list them all here, but I do want to put some of them out there.

- By the end of this month we will be done paying my parents back. Hooray!
- We are going to make tithing a priority again. I hate to admit this, but for the sake of transparency—a few months ago when things got really tough financially, we stopped giving. Not because we wanted to stop, but because the money was truly that tight. Things are finally easing up a bit, and we absolutely want to start giving again!
- We are going to set aside money for an emergency fund, since we really don’t have one (and I can think of a few times this year that it would have been very helpful to have an emergency fund!). I would like to start putting money into it in December or January.
- And we are in the process of reworking our budget and cutting some costs. We can’t cut much, but we have found a way to cut some things. As our financial situation has improved a bit, we’ve also gotten back into the habit of eating out more than we should, so that’s going to be cut again.

There are more goals, of course, but these are some of the biggest current goals. I am really excited to get started; we want to be smart with our finances, and I think these are definitely steps in that direction!

Secret Millionaire

I saw a commercial about this show tonight while I was watching House, and I can't wait to watch it. It's called Secret Millionaire and it starts December 3 on Fox.

Secret Millionaire is a dramatic unscripted series that takes viewers out of their comfort zones and into the heart of America's social issues.

Each week, one of the wealthiest Americans, worth millions of dollars, will go undercover into one of the most impoverished and dangerous towns in America. Their job is to spend one week canvassing the town - meeting as many people as possible - some of whom will touch the millionaire with their dedication to helping others while others will have incredible stories of trying to overcome tremendous odds. On the final day, the Secret Millionaire meets with the chosen recipients and reveals his/her true identity and intentions - to give them a sum of money that is going to change their lives forever.

SECRET MILLIONAIRE will engage viewers in important social issues, extol the virtues of volunteerism and change the lives of disadvantaged people - and the philanthropists who helped them - in unexpected ways.

http://www.fox.com/programming/shows/new/secret_millionaire.htm

Relationships With People

I have come to realize a couple of things about my relationships with people. I have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable after a certain point; there are things that I'm comfortable sharing and showing to others, a kind of false vulnerability. I say it's a false vulnerability because once we've covered those things, things that may make me look like I'm being vulnerable but I'm actually pretty comfortable, I tend to clam up and get quiet. Combine that with the fact that I am more of a listener than a talker, and it's pretty hard for me to have close relationships with many people.

And truth be told, I don't have a close relationship with many people. I know there are relationships that could get to that point with a little more nurturing and opening up, but right now I mostly have a close relationship with Clark, my mom, and a couple of friends (and I feel like I've been withdrawing from those friends a lot lately, too). I spend time with other people, of course, and I would like for those relationships to grow.

Craig Groeschel suggests making some relational goals. Here are mine:

- Stay involved in our Wednesday night small group and let the people there get to know me better. How? By talking more and being more vulnerable. I would love to have a few more close friends who really know me.
- Nurture the friendships I've neglected lately.
- I have a few involving my family, but I will keep those to myself.

God Wants Us to Seek Him

Before I move on to the next segment (relationships with people), I wanted to talk about something I realized when I was thinking about my relationship with God.

It started with this quote from Chazown:

“God wants you to seek Him. And when you do, He will reveal the depths of His character, His nature, His glory. In ways you can’t imagine.”

Many times I've had the experience of wanting so badly to reach out and help or encourage someone, or to deepen my relationship with them, only to find that they resist the help, encouragement, or relationship I am offering. It hurts. I feel rejected and frustrated; it’s hardwired into my very core to help and encourage, and to have that pushed away as though it’s meaningless or unwanted is painful. I can think of so many times that I've been hesitant to follow my heart and offer help or encouragement because I'm afraid it will be unwelcome.

But as I read the above quote, I thought about a couple of things. One- I bet God understands how I feel. It’s hardwired into him to love people and pursue a relationship with us; he sacrificed his own son to make it happen. And it is probably painful to him, too, when he is rejected or his love is pushed away or unrecognized. But he doesn't give up or quit offering! And two- I have struggled with the idea that God wants me to seek him and that if I do, he’ll reveal himself to me. For the longest time I felt like I could seek him all I wanted, but he might not pay any attention. Or that I could seek him but he wouldn’t respond unless I was living a certain way, doing everything right, jumping through certain hoops- and that I'd just have to guess what those hoops might be. For some reason I had convinced myself that even if I desperately wanted to get closer to him and have a better relationship with him, he might push me away. The same fears I have in my relationships with people... hmm.

Relationship With God

Now we move on to the next section of Chazown, into the areas that Craig Groeschel calls the “five spokes.” He points out that in order to get to your destiny, you also have to be seeking God’s best in the supporting areas that make it possible. The five areas he discusses are: relationship with God, relationships with people, financial health, physical health, and your life’s work. I’ll start with the first one mentioned, relationship with God.

I am reminded that God doesn’t want me to simply read the Bible and follow his rules; he desires a relationship (sometimes that’s hard for me to wrap my mind around, and I have lots to say about that- maybe in my next post). But a relationship can’t be one-sided, and I am often inconsistent—sometimes feeling close to him and trying to get even closer, and at other times feeling distant.

One question to answer is, “What are the disciplines that best help you experience God?” I hate to give what will probably sound like a pat answer, but honestly, reading the Bible and praying do help, when I do them consistently. But there’s more. It’s not just reading the Bible; reading good books about God, books that are challenging and help me grow in my faith and understanding, are a huge help to me. The books I’ve read by Shane Claiborne and Philip Yancey are great examples, and so is Chazown. I’m also helped by outreach, writing out my thoughts, and fellowship, relationships, and conversations with others.

But at the same time, there is something that keeps me distant from God. I put other things before him. All the time. I don’t like to admit that, but it’s true. I’m always keeping myself busy with other stuff—big stuff and little stuff, important stuff and trivial stuff—and at the end of the day I fall into bed, ready to go to sleep, and realize that I haven’t really talked to God at all that day, that I haven’t read the Bible or done anything else that helps me grow in my relationship with him. And that needs to change.

So here is my plan. I am committing to reading the Bible daily, something that has been hit-or-miss for me for a long time. I’m also going to start reading books regularly that help me grow spiritually, probably one each month, and I’m sure I’ll be writing about my thoughts here. I’m going to get more involved in community outreach/local missions, and I’m also going to become involved in a Wednesday night small group. And I’m going to make a conscious, daily effort to not put all sorts of other things ahead of my relationship with God. It's time to stop keeping God at a distance.

Taking the Next Step

I’ve determined what I believe is God’s purpose for my life. But without a plan to make it happen, I’m stuck right here. I feel like I’ve been stuck for a while now, with a broad idea of the kinds of things I want to do but no idea of how to make them happen. I know from experience that when I look only at the big picture, I feel inspired and excited—but also terribly overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that it overshadows my inspiration and excitement, I’m overcome by fear and discouragement, and I end up getting complacent and doing nothing.

As someone who likes to plan and set goals, I know that I have to take things one step at a time. In order to make my vision a reality, I need to make goals. To review, here is the mission statement I came up with: I want to live out love and mercy toward people who are hurting and struggling, encouraging and helping them in the ways they need it most, in order to help them through their circumstances and into a better place. At the same time I want them to be able to see and feel God’s love, mercy, and grace through me, and be drawn closer to him. And I want to encourage and empower others to do the same.

So what do I need to accomplish to move from where I am now to where I want to be? Obviously there are a lot of goals and steps toward those goals, and I won't go into all of them here. I don't even know what they all are yet! But this is where I will start...

I will get my priorities in order, and one of the top priorities is organizing our local missions at church. This is something I volunteered to take over, but I’ve let a lot of things get in the way and I’ve lost focus, and as a result it isn’t anywhere even remotely close to what I envision.

I have already taken a few steps toward this goal. I have put together some information regarding food donations for The Caring Place, and basic info about The Caring Place and Habitat for Humanity, and I also have a comprehensive list of food assistance ministries/organizations in our area. The next step is to put together a local missions table that is specifically for that information and for talking to people about opportunities to get involved in our community. I'm also working on getting a comprehensive list of resources and organizations that address other areas of need in the community. I want to free myself up to be at the table on Sunday mornings to talk with people; however, I do not plan to have the table completely up and running until around the beginning of January. The baby will be born any time now, and I want to be sure I've given myself time to rest and recover before I commit myself to something every Sunday morning.

There are plenty of steps beyond this; I can think of several more off the top of my head. But I have to start somewhere, and this is where I'm starting. Once this step is taken care of, I'll move on to the next step. I'm excited! :)

"Put Not Your Trust in Princes"... or Presidents

I originally posted this on Monday night, but I've been thinking about it this morning and I'd like to elaborate on my thoughts a bit. When I read the psalm below a couple weeks ago, it really helped me put things in perspective. I feel like there has been so much hope and so much fear surrounding this election and the candidates. Over the summer I read an excellent book written by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw, called Jesus for President. The book challenged me and reminded me that my allegiance was never meant to be given to a leader, a political party, or a nation, but to God and his kingdom. Reading this psalm several days ago, and hearing the message at church Sunday morning reminded me of that yet again. It brings me peace, in the midst of all the fears people seem to have about this election, that God is truly the one in control; he is the one who we should put our trust and our hope in, and he is the one who always has and always will care deeply and passionately about things mentioned in this psalm (justice for the oppressed, food for the hungry, those who are sojourners, widows, and orphans, etc). I'm having such a hard time finding the words to express what I'm feeling. other than to say that, in contrast to many people in America today, I am not scared or nervous about the outcome of this election; I am at peace. The one I give my allegiance to, the one I place my hope and trust in, will never fail.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

The Lord will reign forever, your God, O Zion, to all generations. Praise the Lord!

Saying Yes- And No- to the Right Things

Before I move on, I need to address something else. It’s something that I know I struggle with and that I’ve blogged about before—my difficulty with saying no. Something Craig Groeschel said in Chazown brought this issue to my mind again, and it’s something I need to work on. He wrote:

“Many other people—even well-intentioned friends—have visions for your time and resources, but those other visions are often inconsistent with God’s vision for you… One of my core values is family. Therefore my mission involves spending a lot of time with my family. Other people have their own plans for my life and time. Come speak at this event. Have dinner with us. We need you on this important board. I say no a lot. Some people understand, and some get mad. But I refuse to sacrifice God’s Chazown for anyone else’s.”

What has been on my mind is that I have to start saying yes and no to the right things. I've made the mistake of saying yes to practically everything, and I've swung the other direction and said no to practically everything. I am coming to realize that in order to effectively live the life God has called me to live, I have to carefully choose what I will say yes and no to. What are my priorities?

I will say yes to my family, of course. I will say yes to spending time with them, loving them, taking care of them, nurturing them, creating a peaceful and comfortable home for them. And I will say yes to the things that help me move in the direction of the mission statement I wrote about in the last post.

Those things are so very important to me, and to give them the time and energy they deserve, I will have to sacrifice other things. I need to greatly reduce the amount of time and energy I spend on the things not listed above. I am specifically thinking of things I waste time on, and commitments I have that are not helping me in either of those areas. Some people will understand; some may get mad. I don’t want to make anyone mad, but it’s time to set some boundaries and say yes and no to the right things.

My Mission Statement

Now it’s time to bring it all together, the three things I’ve been focusing on throughout the past few posts. When I look at my core values, my spiritual gifts, and my past experiences, where do they overlap? If I can find the place where they all meet, I can start to determine the vision God has for me.

Well, let’s quickly review.

The core values that I came up with were compassion, mercy, encouragement, empathy, love, grace, generosity, serving, community, and relationships. Thanks to my own reflections and a couple of online quizzes, the spiritual gifts I appear to have are mercy, exhortation (encouragement), serving/helping, giving, hospitality, and faith. And through my past experiences, I’ve learned firsthand about going through very difficult circumstances, working hard, and coming out a better person thanks to the love, support, and encouragement of others.

The overlap seems so obvious to me that it seems silly to even write it. My experiences combined with my core values and spiritual gifts position me perfectly to feel compassion and empathy for people who are struggling, to exhibit mercy, grace, and love toward them, to develop relationships with them, and to help them by encouraging and giving.

So to take it a step farther- what is my mission statement? Craig Groeschel says, “A mission statement is simply a one-sentence version of God’s Chazown for your life expressed in words that greatly motivate you to pursue if for Him. When you write yours, simply say what action you most want to take or pursue with your life, and what consequence you most want to accomplish with that action.” Mine is more than one sentence, but here it is:

I want to live out love and mercy toward people who are hurting and struggling, encouraging and helping them in the ways they need it most, in order to help them through their circumstances and into a better place. At the same time I want them to be able to see and feel God’s love, mercy, and grace through me, and be drawn closer to him. And I want to encourage and empower others to do the same.

Past Experiences

The third area Craig Groeschel says to consider when trying to discover God’s vision for your life is your past experiences, both painful experiences and good ones.

This is actually an interesting time for me to be considering my past experiences; every November I tend to think back to the past, to some experiences in November 2001. What happened during that time was painful and difficult, and it changed my life in so many ways. To keep this post as short as possible, I’ll just briefly touch on what happened; 7 years ago in November I found out I was pregnant with Elijah. What you wouldn’t normally expect to be a painful and difficult circumstance was, very much so- because I was 17 and still in my senior year of high school. A lot of painful words and emotions are seared on my memory, and each year as November begins, I find myself reflecting on those times.

I absolutely believe that God has used and will continue to use that painful experience. Because of it, I have personally experienced a lot of things that I may not have experienced otherwise. I know what it’s like to be brought lower than I ever thought I could be. I know what it’s like to be humbled and have my pride stripped away (I’ll admit it, I had a lot of pride before that). I know what it’s like to find myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in, a situation I had previously looked down on. I know what it’s like to disappoint other people. I know what it’s like to be talked about, made fun of, and looked down on. I know what it’s like to feel like a statistic. I know what it’s like to struggle- personally, in relationships, financially.

But thank God, I also know what it’s like to persevere through hard times. I know what it’s like to work hard in spite of adversity and to make it through on the other side a better person. I know what it’s like to work through those early months and years of marriage, and to be in a marriage that has grown in amazing ways. I know what it’s like to love other people more than myself. I know what it’s like to sacrifice willingly out of love for others. I know what it’s like to receive help, guidance, and support from family, friends, and community.

That experience changed me in so many ways- probably more than I realize. There are certainly other experiences in my past, both good and bad, that have shaped who I am and that God is using, but that is the biggest one I can think of. I feel that because of that experience, I can empathize with people who are struggling, going through their own personal hell in their circumstances, their family, their marriage, their finances. And I feel like I can encourage and support them through those things and help them come out successfully on the other side.