In the video we watched at small group last week, Rob Bell talked about how so many people live their lives thinking God is going to punish them for every little thing. As we discussed the video afterward, I had all these thoughts going through my mind, but at the time I couldn’t manage to piece them all together. What I did say was something to the effect of so many people are raised without a real understanding of grace and forgiveness that it’s no wonder they end up believing God’s out to punish them.
Since then I've had more time to think about it all, and I've also decided to start re-reading Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff Van Vonderen. As I read through the book, I'll be writing about my thoughts here. But to start the whole thing off, I would like to share why I think it is so vital that Christian parents intentionally parent with grace, rather than the punitive "us vs. them" approach that is unfortunately seen and even advocated all too often in Christian circles. This grace-based model of parenting and discipline is what my family has chosen, for very specific reasons.
Christians are generally quick to agree that as parents, we should teach our children about God- not just through our words, but most importantly through our actions. We talk about God’s grace and forgiveness, his gentleness and understanding, but do we model it? If we threaten and punish and shame and speak harshly to our children—as, inexplicably, so many Christian parents do—can we expect them to reach adulthood with a grasp on the grace and forgiveness of God? How can they truly GET that God is not going to punish them every time they screw up?
I can hear the outcry now: “But we have a responsibility to discipline our children, they have to learn right from wrong, they have to experience consequences.” Yes. I agree with all of that. But I absolutely do not believe that the punitive approach- threatening, shaming, spanking- is the way God intends us to discipline. Discipline is about instruction, teaching, and guidance. It’s about teaching a child to truly understand right from wrong, and not to simply modify their outward behavior.
As for consequences- I believe God allows us to experience the consequences of our actions, but he does not hand down arbitrary and unrelated punishments. Yet parents do this all the time! It’s as though there's this mentality of, “You did something I don’t like, so I’m going to get you back and make you suffer (by taking away something you like, or making you feel bad, or smacking you).” And that breaks my heart because it just sets kids up to believe God operates the same way. He doesn’t. And if that’s not how God treats me, then that is not how I want to treat the children he’s given me. I’d rather look at how God does discipline his children, then model that in my own life.
So how does he discipline us? My God has never made me feel like I’m an embarrassment or a disappointment or a bother to him. He has never paid me back for my sins. He knows that I’m incapable of doing everything right, and he expects that I will screw up and disobey and make terrible choices sometimes. And he realizes that when I do those things, it doesn’t reflect on him, so he has no reason to feel embarrassed. My God leads me gently. Firmly, yes, but gently and patiently. He allows me room to mess up and he allows me to experience the natural consequences of my choices. He teaches me right from wrong, and he instructs and guides me in the attitudes and subsequent actions he wants me to have. And he does it without threats, without shaming, without physical punishment.
Discipline can certainly be painful, but this is because it involves facing your own mistakes and weaknesses, and making changes. That's not easy! But while the process of discipline can be painful, causing pain should never be the goal of discipline, and changing the outward behaviors shouldn’t be the goal either. God is more interested in changing our hearts than changing our outward behavior, because he knows that when our hearts change, then our actions will naturally change as well. Obviously as parents we cannot change the hearts of our children- only God can change a heart- but we CAN go beyond the outward behavior and look at the reasons why they may behave in a certain way, as well as teach them the appropriate behaviors and reasons for them. Of course, this involves loving, patient, gentle teaching, and unfortunately that requires more work and attention than some parents are willing to give. It’s easier to threaten or verbally shame or spank. I just thank God that he is willing to do the work it takes to discipline me gently instead of taking the easy way out.
And that all brings me back to what Rob Bell said in the video, about people being afraid that God is going to punish them all the time, and to the book about living out grace within the family. It is because of God’s grace and forgiveness that I choose to discipline my children the way I do. I want my interactions with them to model the grace of God, so that when they are older they will be better equipped to understand his grace.
As I read through Families Where Grace is in Place, I will be posting my thoughts, so be sure to check back!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Reflecting on Lent
So Lent is over. It went by much more quickly than I thought it would, and now here I am on the other side of it, reflecting on the past 6 weeks. I assumed I would come out of Lent feeling refreshed- and in a way I did- but more than that, I feel like I have been humbled. I've been reminded of my own brokenness and God's grace.
I realized a lot of not very flattering things about myself, and I've admitted and faced head-on some of my struggles and weaknesses. And at some point over the past several weeks I realized that God doesn't want me to be constantly striving for perfection and hating myself for being unable to attain it, and he isn't disappointed in me. He knew all along that I, just like everyone else, am broken. He knows my struggles- how I have a tendency to care too much about what other people think, or compare myself to others, or become prideful, or stubbornly cling to independence, or want praise and recognition, or let myself be controlled by jealousy, fear, impatience, and laziness. He knows I am broken and am so very far from perfect. And he loves me.
For so long I've been looking at my weaknesses as something that I must get control over; I have felt this overwhelming sense of guilt and frustration for not being good enough and for failing at my own efforts to improve. And it's true that I need to work on these areas of weakness, but not out of guilt. I need to remember that God loves me just as I am and I need to look to look to him for help. At some point, in a moment of frustration and helplessness, I said, "Isn't there ANYTHING I can do on my own?" and I felt this whisper in my heart saying, "Yes- on your own you can screw it up." And that is so true. I have been trying to go it alone in so many areas of my life, instead of admitting my brokenness and asking for help from a God who loves me.
Who ever would have thought that recognizing my own brokenness would be so freeing? I feel like I've been freed from guilt, self-criticism, and a pursuit for perfection. I feel like I've been freed to be imperfect and to rely on God's grace. He's the one who is capable of changing me.
I realized a lot of not very flattering things about myself, and I've admitted and faced head-on some of my struggles and weaknesses. And at some point over the past several weeks I realized that God doesn't want me to be constantly striving for perfection and hating myself for being unable to attain it, and he isn't disappointed in me. He knew all along that I, just like everyone else, am broken. He knows my struggles- how I have a tendency to care too much about what other people think, or compare myself to others, or become prideful, or stubbornly cling to independence, or want praise and recognition, or let myself be controlled by jealousy, fear, impatience, and laziness. He knows I am broken and am so very far from perfect. And he loves me.
For so long I've been looking at my weaknesses as something that I must get control over; I have felt this overwhelming sense of guilt and frustration for not being good enough and for failing at my own efforts to improve. And it's true that I need to work on these areas of weakness, but not out of guilt. I need to remember that God loves me just as I am and I need to look to look to him for help. At some point, in a moment of frustration and helplessness, I said, "Isn't there ANYTHING I can do on my own?" and I felt this whisper in my heart saying, "Yes- on your own you can screw it up." And that is so true. I have been trying to go it alone in so many areas of my life, instead of admitting my brokenness and asking for help from a God who loves me.
Who ever would have thought that recognizing my own brokenness would be so freeing? I feel like I've been freed from guilt, self-criticism, and a pursuit for perfection. I feel like I've been freed to be imperfect and to rely on God's grace. He's the one who is capable of changing me.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
On My Mind
These have been on my mind lately, for various reasons...
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:5b-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:5b-7
Monday, March 30, 2009
A Good Quote
The ministry of evangelization is an extraordinary opportunity of showing gratitude to Jesus by passing on His gospel of grace to others. However, the "conversion by concussion" method, with one sledgehammer blow of the Bible after another, betrays a basic disrespect for the dignity of the other and is utterly alien to the gospel imperative to bear witness. To evangelize a person is to say to him or her, You, too, are loved by God in the Lord Jesus. And not only to say it but to really think it and relate it to the man or woman so they can sense it. This is what it means to announce the Good News. But that becomes possible only by offering the person your friendship- a friendship that is real, unselfish, without condescension, full of confidence, and profound esteem.
-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
I have nothing to add.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Limitations Can Be a Good Thing
Today at a meeting of our church's Core Team, I realized a couple of things that I wanted to share.
It started when one person mentioned that she wants to be more involved but right now she just can't because she's working on a master's degree. I looked around the table and thought about the members of our Core Team. We are all married, and many of us have young children. Some have full-time jobs, some are stay-at-home moms, some are in school.
I realized that every single one of us have things in our lives that mean that, individually, we simply cannot do all we want to do regarding our church. All of us have other things, important things, that also require our time and attention. We all do what we can, of course, but none of us are capable of doing it all.
I've spent so much time feeling guilty because I can't do everything I want to do and be involved in everything I want to be involved in. And today I realized that nobody can. It's not just me! You have no idea what a relief this is. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
But I realized something else. I don't think any of us are meant to be capable of doing everything we want to do. If we were, we wouldn't need each other. Our limitations foster community and dependence on each other- and that is a wonderful thing!
It started when one person mentioned that she wants to be more involved but right now she just can't because she's working on a master's degree. I looked around the table and thought about the members of our Core Team. We are all married, and many of us have young children. Some have full-time jobs, some are stay-at-home moms, some are in school.
I realized that every single one of us have things in our lives that mean that, individually, we simply cannot do all we want to do regarding our church. All of us have other things, important things, that also require our time and attention. We all do what we can, of course, but none of us are capable of doing it all.
I've spent so much time feeling guilty because I can't do everything I want to do and be involved in everything I want to be involved in. And today I realized that nobody can. It's not just me! You have no idea what a relief this is. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
But I realized something else. I don't think any of us are meant to be capable of doing everything we want to do. If we were, we wouldn't need each other. Our limitations foster community and dependence on each other- and that is a wonderful thing!
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