Parenting With Grace

In the video we watched at small group last week, Rob Bell talked about how so many people live their lives thinking God is going to punish them for every little thing. As we discussed the video afterward, I had all these thoughts going through my mind, but at the time I couldn’t manage to piece them all together. What I did say was something to the effect of so many people are raised without a real understanding of grace and forgiveness that it’s no wonder they end up believing God’s out to punish them.

Since then I've had more time to think about it all, and I've also decided to start re-reading Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff Van Vonderen. As I read through the book, I'll be writing about my thoughts here. But to start the whole thing off, I would like to share why I think it is so vital that Christian parents intentionally parent with grace, rather than the punitive "us vs. them" approach that is unfortunately seen and even advocated all too often in Christian circles. This grace-based model of parenting and discipline is what my family has chosen, for very specific reasons.

Christians are generally quick to agree that as parents, we should teach our children about God- not just through our words, but most importantly through our actions. We talk about God’s grace and forgiveness, his gentleness and understanding, but do we model it? If we threaten and punish and shame and speak harshly to our children—as, inexplicably, so many Christian parents do—can we expect them to reach adulthood with a grasp on the grace and forgiveness of God? How can they truly GET that God is not going to punish them every time they screw up?

I can hear the outcry now: “But we have a responsibility to discipline our children, they have to learn right from wrong, they have to experience consequences.” Yes. I agree with all of that. But I absolutely do not believe that the punitive approach- threatening, shaming, spanking- is the way God intends us to discipline. Discipline is about instruction, teaching, and guidance. It’s about teaching a child to truly understand right from wrong, and not to simply modify their outward behavior.

As for consequences- I believe God allows us to experience the consequences of our actions, but he does not hand down arbitrary and unrelated punishments. Yet parents do this all the time! It’s as though there's this mentality of, “You did something I don’t like, so I’m going to get you back and make you suffer (by taking away something you like, or making you feel bad, or smacking you).” And that breaks my heart because it just sets kids up to believe God operates the same way. He doesn’t. And if that’s not how God treats me, then that is not how I want to treat the children he’s given me. I’d rather look at how God does discipline his children, then model that in my own life.

So how does he discipline us? My God has never made me feel like I’m an embarrassment or a disappointment or a bother to him. He has never paid me back for my sins. He knows that I’m incapable of doing everything right, and he expects that I will screw up and disobey and make terrible choices sometimes. And he realizes that when I do those things, it doesn’t reflect on him, so he has no reason to feel embarrassed. My God leads me gently. Firmly, yes, but gently and patiently. He allows me room to mess up and he allows me to experience the natural consequences of my choices. He teaches me right from wrong, and he instructs and guides me in the attitudes and subsequent actions he wants me to have. And he does it without threats, without shaming, without physical punishment.

Discipline can certainly be painful, but this is because it involves facing your own mistakes and weaknesses, and making changes. That's not easy! But while the process of discipline can be painful, causing pain should never be the goal of discipline, and changing the outward behaviors shouldn’t be the goal either. God is more interested in changing our hearts than changing our outward behavior, because he knows that when our hearts change, then our actions will naturally change as well. Obviously as parents we cannot change the hearts of our children- only God can change a heart- but we CAN go beyond the outward behavior and look at the reasons why they may behave in a certain way, as well as teach them the appropriate behaviors and reasons for them. Of course, this involves loving, patient, gentle teaching, and unfortunately that requires more work and attention than some parents are willing to give. It’s easier to threaten or verbally shame or spank. I just thank God that he is willing to do the work it takes to discipline me gently instead of taking the easy way out.

And that all brings me back to what Rob Bell said in the video, about people being afraid that God is going to punish them all the time, and to the book about living out grace within the family. It is because of God’s grace and forgiveness that I choose to discipline my children the way I do. I want my interactions with them to model the grace of God, so that when they are older they will be better equipped to understand his grace.

As I read through Families Where Grace is in Place, I will be posting my thoughts, so be sure to check back!