Love doesn't have to be earned

Today I have been thinking a lot, because of something James said at church. He said that we always talk about not being ashamed of God-- but we rarely stop to think, "Is God ashamed of me? Is he proud of me?" He noticed this in Hebrews 11:16. About halfway through the verse it says, "Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God."

I'll admit, my gut reaction to that statement was a sick, panicky feeling deep inside. Even though I knew what James was saying (of course we want God to be proud of us!), what I was feeling was totally different. Why? Because in my personal experience, the word "ashamed" is a loaded one. It means more to me than embarassment or disappointment. My gut reaction when I hear that word is fear-- fear of rejection or withdrawal of love. "Proud" is also a loaded word for me, because in my mind it is associated with love and acceptance.

For some reason, I have always felt more loved by someone if they are proud of me, and rejected if they are disappointed or ashamed. And so, for as long as I can remember, I have tried to do all the right things-- not out of love, but out of a sense of guilt and fear. I know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to make a person (or God) proud, but it can be damaging indeed to equate that with love, and to equate disappointment with the withdrawal of love.

It took me a long, long time to wrap my mind around this fundamental fact-- even if I screw up and do everything wrong, even if I do things that disappoint God, he will not withdraw his love in any way. He still loves me just the same. I don't have to jump through hoops and do lots of stuff and do it all right in order for him to love me.

When I have that assurance of unconditional love, love that does not depend on my performance, I am then free to do things-- not out of guilt or fear that God will be ashamed and reject me, but out of love. My actions may be the same as they were when I was operating under fear, but the motivation and the underlying understanding of God is completely different. I can then strive to please God and make him proud because I love him, not because I'm trying to make sure he keeps loving me.

I can't say enough how huge of a realization this has been for me. Pride does not equal love. Shame does not equal rejection. I still struggle with this. I still find myself doing things because I want people to be proud and not disappointed, all because I'm equating this with love and acceptance. Again, I realize there is nothing wrong with wanting to make someone proud, or not wanting to disappoint them. The problem is when my sense of being loved and accepted relies on pleasing someone else.

God never meant for our relationship with him to be one of fear and guilt. He loves us unconditionally, even if we disappoint him. In my relationship with Elijah, I want him to know that I will love him just the same, whether he does something really well or messes something up. And I want him to know that when he messes up, I will not be there to heap feelings of disappointment or embarassment or shame upon him; I will not make him feel guilty or withdraw my love; I will be there to love him and help him move back in the right direction. Isn't it the same with God and us? Our actions may be pleasing or they may be disappointing, but regardless, we are still the objects of God's love and affection.